


Welcome to the 2020 College Football Playoff!

by herbiecide



Category: College Football RPF, Real Person Fiction
Genre: ESPN is evil, Gen, Minor Character(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-31
Updated: 2021-02-05
Packaged: 2021-03-17 15:13:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 28
Words: 31,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29102331
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/herbiecide/pseuds/herbiecide
Summary: It is season CLI of the Heisman era (2020 on the Gregorian Calendar) and the indomitable sport of college football is more popular than ever. However, things are not as rosy as they seem.It is also the seventh season of the new "Playoff Age" after the unexpected collapse of the forward-thinking BCS system after 2013. With additional complications thanks to a mysterious virus that almost cancelled the season entirely, stress levels have almost boiled over...Will season CLI be the breaking point? Can football be saved from falling into the chasm of revolution once again? There is only one way to find out, so let's PLAY SOME FOOTBALL!!





	1. Prologue I: A Reading of History

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want to skip all the historical/plot-setting stuff straight to the football games, go to Chapter 5.

In 1869, a group of Americans, tired of the monopoly of the British game "rugby", wanted to make a new sports that Americans could claim as their own. Initially just rugby with a red, white, and blue coat of paint, this new group, led by Walter Camp, gradually shifted the game away from the nonstop nature of rugby to a new style of game.  
This new style, headlined by the "forward pass", made this new game more strategic, and most importantly, unique and eye-catching. However, the one thing this initial group could not do was come up with a good name for this sport, instead stealing the name from the other major english sport: Football. This brings us to the year 1887, and to one John Heisman, at this time merely an average player in this new system.  
However, his passion for this new game was unlike any seen before him, and after 4 years of good play he became the coach of the Oberlin football team, although the school name would later become just a footnote. Heisman brought an uncountable list of innovations to this game, including the concepts of a "snap", "signaling", the listing of "down and yards to go" on a scoreboard, along with other smaller fixtures.

After his death in 1936, the National Collegiate Athletic Association (which had taken over management for the game in the early 1900s) made several efforts to honor this legend of the game, including renaming the MVP trophy to the "Heisman Trophy" and even tried to shed the ties to what is now called "soccer" by renaming football to "Heismanball" (that one unfortunately failed).  
After the Second World War caused a scare for all sports, especially football (turns out football players are really good at fighting Japanese), the sport entered a long period of prosperity. With all systems set in place, football turned from a fun curiosity to almost a national religion, with Saturday specifically carved out just to watch the games. But all good times must come to an end, and the end for football came in the 1990's.  
This end came about mostly thanks to new technologies. With computers becoming ever more powerful, the fans of football began to demand that computers be involved in selecting the national champion. Almost since the beginning, the rankings of all the teams (and thus who would be declared champion) was decided by a group called the "Associated Press" (shortened to AP). These people were a group of "behind-the-scenes" writers and broadcasters.  
As the game grew to unprecedented levels, this group quickly became seen as outdated, and fans, players, and coaches were demanding that the NCAA make a change.

After much deliberation and arguments, a brand new system was created, one that was advertised to fix everything wrong with the sport. By not only keeping the AP poll active (and thus avoiding the inevitable controversy of a successor), but also adding a poll of rankings from the coaches, and a computer-based poll free from the biases of human reasoning, the closest thing to ranking perfection was reached.  
A system that would bring the sport of collegiate football into a new utopia. This system was punctuated by three simple letters: BCS. Fans across all corners of the football realm celebrated, as this new system was almost guaranteed to be a massive success, and football would enter a new golden age.

... Right?

Unbeknownst to everyone, a new force entered the playing field. A group that would cause rifts so unthinkable that even college football would soon find itself teetering on the edge...


	2. Prologue II: The BCS Falls Down the Stairs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even the wonders of tech can't stop the unflinching power of money...
    
    
    	As football continued its growth, another sports-adjacent industry began to grow. This new industry, made of broadcasters, sportswriters, and a new component of "sports predictors", grew even faster than football itself, and quickly surpassed any individual sport, with profits reaching into the hundreds of millions.
    Although this group was originally mostly made of small independent people/groups, quickly one organization came to dominate them all: 
    
    **E.S.P.N.**
    
    	ESPN turned the industry on its head and began the gradual shift of the industry toward greed and domination. This shift eventually coalesced into one goal: Take over every sports league. The ESPN group had an epiphany: If they controlled sports, they could decide all of the storylines, and thus have all the people look to them for opinions regarding ANY sports-related items.
    This would not be the first time they had tried this either; the "test run" of this effort was the forcing of Micheal Jordan to retire from basketball in 1993. Although this sent shockwaves through basketball, it was not enough to undermine the NBA, and basketball swiftly returned to its normal state. A second, more potent attempt was attempted in the late 90's and early 2000's by aggressively pushing steroids into the MLB. 
    This successfully implicated several star baseball players with doping allegations, including Barry Bonds, Sammy Sosa, Mark MgGwire, and Alex Rodriguez, but ultimately the allegations wouldn't quite stick. The MLB took quick efforts to harden its stance on steroids, and that calmed down the angry fans, and also eliminated any chance of ESPN taking the sport over. This failure set ESPN back significantly, so for attempt number three a new strategy had to be devised.
    This attempt was focused on the biggest sport of them all, college football, and efforts were made to try to find an entry point to cause a rift in the sport. Finally, after research into the BCS system, a weak spot was found.
    
    	One aspect of the BCS system that was overlooked, (a glitch in the program, if you will), was the New Years' Six (NY6) bowl qualification system.  This system controlled what teams would get into some of the most important bowl games.
    It goes as follows:
    6 conferences have 1 guaranteed spot each:
    Big 10
    Pac-10 (later Pac-12)
    Big-12
    SEC
    ACC
    Big East (eventually dissolved for "reasons")
    
    Other teams and conferences can only get in via an at-large bid (2 of the 8 possible spots).
    
    	This system causes a separation between the six aforementioned conferences (called the Automatic Qualifiers [AQ’s]) and the other conferences. The exact games and teams that led to the rift forming between the conferences is way too long to explain in a "simple" prologue, but the short version is this system, combined with some "influencing" courtesy of ESPN, led to the rift between AQ and non-AQ conferences (called the Group of 5 or G5 from now on).
    After years of controversy and general chaos between the conferences (totally not helped along by ESPN meddling), enough distrust was created that the "utopia" BCS system was seen as flawed and a replacement was quickly in order. However, the NCAA of 1998 was no longer the same as the NCAA of 2013...
    
    	And thus we are brought to the 2013 offseason. Several high-ranking members of the NCAA have been replaced with people controlled by ESPN, and with that influence a system was devised that, on a surface level would fix the main flaw of the BCS, but in reality would introduce new ones. This new system would be uncreatively named the "College Football Playoff".
    
    This system was much simpler:
    4 teams would be put into the semi-finals as chosen by the "Playoff Committee", then they would battle it out for the championship.
    
    	But crucially for ESPN, they got most of the control over who got selected to be on the committee. Thus the rift between the new "Power 5" and the Group of 5 could now be permanently enforced.
    Why does the rift matter you may ask? Simple. Power 5 schools bring ESPN ratings, and thus more money. That's literally it. It's ESPN we are talking about here.
    After six years of the system performing as designed, we FINALLY move on to the 2020 college football season...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GOD I wish I didn't have to write this prologue. But I do otherwise all of the situations will seemingly be made out of thin air and the story will be even worse than it already is.  
> Also: *** THE PREVIOUS TWO CHAPTERS ARE NOT AN ACCURATE RETELLING OF THE HISTORY OF COLLEGE FOOTBALL OR THE BCS OR ANYTHING ELSE. ANY RESEMBLANCE IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL.***


	3. The Big 10 Makes small Waves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The 150th year of football was such a great success, but the football gods went on vacation at the worst possible time...
    
    
    As the celebrations die down after LSU's victory in the national championship, the coaches, commissioners, and NCAA all finally get to relax after a completed season. It was a good one too. The LSU Tigers, led by electric boy Joe Burrow, set multiple football records, and completed a perfect 15-0 season, also bringing in loads of money for everyone, making ESPN happy.
    However, over in China, some fuckface decided it was a good idea to eat a goddamned raw meat from a meat market. And that guy kicked off a chain that spread it absolutely everywhere. Luckily for us this virus will remain unnamed. (Sidenote: Did you know Corona Mountain is the best stage in SMS? Anyways...)
    
    **NCAA Conference Room, March 11, Season CLI**
    **9:13 AM**
    **Indianapolis, Indiana**
    
    An emergency meeting has been set up due to a mysterious virus that is determined by the NCAA to be a potential threat to their upcoming season.
    The NCAA President, Mark Emmert, and the commissioners of the Power 5 conferences: Big 10 commish Kevin Warren, Pac-12 commish Larry Scott, ACC commish John Swofford, SEC commish Greg Sankey, and Big 12 commish Bob Bowlsby (A/N: That name is hilarious)
    
    Emmert starts; "I assume you all know why we are here, yes?" All the commissioners nod.
    "Well let's just get this out of the way: this virus is real and it will hit us. We need to figure out a strategy to lessen the impact of this virus. We definitely don't want any deaths to happen. Luckily for us we have 4 1/2 months to come up with a solution."
    Bowlsby starts to speak- "And before you say it Bowlsby, no, we can not just pray it will go away. I got to talking with some scientists and they say that this virus will likely be with us throughout the entirety of the season." *pushes papers into the center of the table*
    Scott picks up the papers and begins to read them:
    
    Disease: Mystery virus (VD42069)
    Symptoms: Death, Cough, Loss of Smell, Breathing Issues... (etc)
    Death Rate: 0.00283%
    Prognosis: This mystery virus is extremely infections and has a very good cha... (Translation: IT'S BAD)
    ~~Will it be safe to play college football in the Fall?: Unlikely~~ (This part is covered with white-out and can't be seen)
    
    "Fuck."
    "What was that Scott?" All the commissioners except Mr. Bowlsby say.
    "It's real bad." *passes paper to Mr. Warren* Mr. Warren begins to read.
    "Alright, so how are we gonna deal with this? Anyone got a good idea?"
    Scott speaks first: "Can we just postpone until Spring next year? The virus will definitely be gone by then and we can still keep all the scheduling flexibility!"
    Sankey interrupts- "But then we have to compete with baseball next year. Especially with baseball likely being cancelled this year there will be too much competition."
    "And also the football fatigue. How many people want to watch nearly 10 straight months of football? And what about next year? We'd just be kicking the can down the road for next fall!" Emmert continues.
    "Just let the season start normally and cancel games as needed. There won't be too many problems, the teams know the stakes of this." Swofford says.
    "That's too risky." Emmert and Scott say in tandem. Emmert continues: "What if California just decides there is no football for the year? Then what? We can't have a whole conference taken out like that, Not even one of those **other** ones!”
    Bowlsby speaks up successfully this time- "Why do we care about this stupid Goofy Goobert anyway? Just fuckin’ play the damned games! Football will be a great distraction, keep people sane. Lord knows none of us want the fans to be angry again! Especially after what happened in 2014!" (A/N: in 2014 the Big 12 was left out of the playoffs because TCU and Baylor both had one loss and there was no conference championship game)
    "I think Mr. Kyler Murray 2 getting fucked up because of the damn virus will be worse than anything you have ever faced Bowlsby." Emmert calmly states.
    "Yeah you are one to talk with an 0-4 playoff record." Sankey adds on.
    "Just cancel the fucking season then!" Warren interjects. All other participants look at him in shock. Bowlsby and Sankey begin a silent conversation.
    Emmert suddenly gets significantly more uncomfortable. "That would be even stupider than the postponement idea! Imagine all the money that would be lost just from that! No way are we fucking cancelling anything."
    "But at least we get less shit from the teams with this! Imagine all arguments that will go down with all the cancellations and postponements if we try the season. At least with a cancellation the arguments will be done before May is up."
    Scott speaks after a short pause: "That's why I want to just wait until spring! Won't be many arguments when the teams have something to look forward to. And I know how much Emmert and Sankey like their revenues."
    At this Sankey and Bowlsby finish their conversation with simultaneous nods and both turn to exit the room.
    "You can't just walk out of this!" However, Scott is ignored and the SEC and Big-12 commissioners leave the room.
    "Oh Jesus fucking Christ." Emmert says, realizing what they are likely to do.
    "What are you thinking..." Swofford pipes up.
    "There's no way they are gonna let any cancellation or postponement happen now. They're off to tell their teams to not even think about cancelling." Emmert says.
    "Can't you just tell them to do it or else?"
    "No. Everyone gets to make their own decisions. It was part of the autonomy contract when the BCS was created."
    "That thing is still valid?" all the commissioners’ question.
    "Of course! Only the playoff structure was replaced, everything else is still enforced."
    "UNBELIEVABLE." Warren exclaims.
    A pregnant pause sails through the conference room. 
    "Well this meeting isn't gonna work with only three of the five willing to participate. Just make the best decisions for your individual teams. You are dismissed."
    Everyone else leaves.
    "Goddammit what am I gonna do! Oh well, clearly no one wants to compromise, so I guess we just wait and see.." Emmert dejectedly says, praying that everyone does the same thing in the end.
    
    **August 11, CLI**
    **3:30 PM**
    
    A television in the NCAA president's house suddenly switches to a new story.
    ***BREAKING NEWS***
    News has just come in to ESPN that the Big 10 and Pac-12 have decided to cancel the fall season. They have both made plans to return in the spring.
    No word on the other conferences' decision as of yet, although rumors are speculating that the SEC is going to make a public statement tomorrow regarding these cancellations.
    Already there was anger from the fans and multiple players about rumors of the Big 10 cancelling. What do you think about this news fellow commentator Sporty McSportson?
    "I think that this was a rash decision by the Big 10 to cancel without at least looking at what other leagues are doing, this is a big mistake by Mr. Warren and Mr. Scott to jump the gun like that."
    "Thank you Sporty McSportson, now for the Top 10 plays of the week..."
    
    "FUCKING SHIT!" Emmert yells, almost breaking one of the windows in his house.
    As if on cue, his cell phone starts to ring. The caller ID is Restricted.
    "Oh god please be a telemarketer..." He reluctantly presses the green call button. "Hello...?"
    "You've got a lot to answer for."
    "There is nothing I could do about it they weren't going to agree on anything!"
    "This puts us in A LOT of shit you know"
    "Of course I know, I'm just grateful no one knows who the hell I am yet. Haven't gotten one angry call yet."
    "That privilege is gonna be revoked if you don't fix this shit and fast."
    "I'll see what I can do.”
    "Don't 'I'll see what I can do' me sir. The commentator has already gotten one death threat. And think about all the damn money that will be lost."
    "Why don't you just call Mr. Warren then? You have his number you know."
    "He hasn't answered shit since 11AM. Especially not now because the phone lines are certainly jammed due to all the angry hate."
    "I can't do everything here man."
    "You have no choice. If you don't fix this we are gonna lose hundreds of millions on this. and only God will know what happens to you if all of them cancel."
    "Alright I get it I'll try my best"
    "I don't like 'try'. There's _**GOING**_ to be a season. Got it?!"
    "Got it."
    "Now get to fixing this disaster." The number hangs up before Emmert can respond.
    
    
    *After some time decompressing (AKA Drinking) Emmert dials the personal number of Mr. Warren*
    
    Meanwhile in the Big 10 Commissioner's Office...
    
    "No we can't change the decision"
    "Sir this is the third time you have called in 10 minutes it's not gonna change our mind"
    "No this isn't Ohio State's office"
    "Madam we can't let you kick the commissioner's balls, he needs those for football games"
    
    As expected, the phone lines are totally jammed. Warren is nearby dealing with his own calls when his personal cell phone rings, showing that Emmert is calling.
    He answers quickly. "What is it Emmert."
    "Do you know how much shit I am in right now!? It is only Sunday goddammit!"
    "Sir my office has received at least 3500 phone calls just this hour, I think I can understand."
    "You have to reverse this. NOW!"
    "I can't. I called a meeting with the teams and they voted 11-3 to cancel the season after presenting scientific data."
    "You are gonna get fucking pitchforks outside your door dude. You can't keep this up."
    "Why does it matter? The rest of the conferences will just cancel soon anyway. We'll all be dealing with this shit."
    "You and I both know the SEC and Big 12 will never cancel. They would rather play a season outside the NCAA than do that."
    "So? I don't care! You said make the best choice for your conference's teams. This is the best choice for mine. We have tens of thousands of virus cases in the area right now you know."
    "The best thing for your conference is to play the goddamned fucking season. Think of all the jobs that will be gone, all the bars that have to close because no football game money. You better fucking reconsider."
    "......*sigh* I'll think about it. How come the Pac-12 isn't getting any of your heat? They are doing the same thing."
    "You know damn well what the difference is and I don't need to explain it. Get this shit reversed. I think that fans will be fine with a small delay. They aren't completely heartless."
    "There's a chance I suppose. I will have to talk with the sciencey guys again. But I make no promises." Warren hangs up the phone.


	4. Vacating Your Decisions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The season is on the edge of the abyss, and someone has to drag it back... But ESPN is looking to burn someone for this. Who will take the sacrifice?
    
    
    **August 14**
    **NCAA Conference Room**
    
    "You really think that we're gonna cancel? And potentially fuck up not only the money but the dynasty? Hell no."
    "We have to do it, California is really jumping on the restrictions train."
    "Fuck your stupid California, damn atheists can't do shit about no football"
    "Say that again and I'll tie you up in your own fucking lasso"
    "Put him in a Lasso and I will send the entirety of Michigan after your ass. And they have lots of rage from losing to Ohio State 8 times in a row."
    "I will personally blow up the horseshoe and turn it into a burial ground."
    
    Emmert looks on at the phones hearing the insults being thrown around like candy. At this moment he wishes he was anywhere else. But just as he finishes that thought...
    *ring ring* "Oh god no..." He answers the call, knowing it can only be one thing on the other end.
    "What is it this time?"
    "Have you fixed the problem yet?"
    "Lemme show you." 
    He points the phone toward the conference conference call. (A/N: I had to do it)
    
    "..all your poor little huskies do is become Alabama's chew toy for a night."
    "At least my conference is sane, all your conference is is just the Ohio State circus act"
    "How dare you say that! If anything you should say that to the ACC they are just Clemson's bitches at this point."
    "At least those bitches know their place. All yours try to do is cannibalize Ohio State."
    "At least people remember those unruly teams. Name another ACC team that has mattered besides Clemson in the last 20 years."
    "Florida State?"
    "They couldn't even qualify for a bowl game properly two years ago. As far as I know they are just a pile of trash"
    
    " _ **SHUT! THE! FUCK! UP!**_ " Those words from the ESPN Group were so loud as to almost shatter the phone's speakers. "Emmert put me on the damn call before I make Stephen A. do a 24 hour shift." He does.
    "I'll get my guns and fucking-"
    " **NO MORE MR BOWLSBY OR OKLAHOMA GETS IT.** " The call immediately falls silent.
    The ESPN Guy starts- "I crunched all the numbers. I looked at the timetable for the season. I even contacted those scientists again. And I'm saying it right now. THIS SEASON WILL BE PLAYED!"
    "But the-"
    "NO BUTS SWOFFORD!"
    ...
    "This is how the season will go. ACC, SEC and Big-12, since you are more prepared, you will start the season in September like normal. Big 10, you will start the season late due to high incidence of COVID. But don't think this will be the end of the punishments.
    And as for the Pac-12, We will see what California decides to do with football games and practices, but you will start no later than early November, California be damned. Got it?"
    "Sir you can't just"
    " **GOT** **IT?!?!?!?!?!?!** "
    A silence of over 30 seconds fills the room.
    "Fine."
    Everyone races to leave the call as fast as possible, causing a computerized symphony to play with all the "Leaving Call" jingles.
    The NCAA president is about to faint from what just transpired, but gets out a few last thoughts before collapsing:
    "I wonder how the G5 is dealing with this, I haven't even had a chance to talk with them thanks to all the shit going on..."
    
    -------------------------------------
    
    **August 12**
    **Earnestine and Hazel's Bar, Memphis, Tables 3 and 4**
    **8:30 PM**
    
    "How many times have I told you, we can't just go do our own playoffs!"
    "Well this suck-up system you've been doing hasn't been working."
    "I know, I know. But we can't become like the FCS. If we play by the rules eventually one of the teams will get in. They can't just deny us forever..."
    "The BCS did! What makes you think the CFP won't do the same? At least both Boise and Utah got to the NY6 twice under that system. Now I see no chance for anyone!"
    "Don't deal in absolutes like that please..."
    "Why shouldn't I?! UCF went undefeated twice in a row and never got even close. If they can't do it with THAT record, no one can."
    The silence of the AAC commissioner, Micheal Aresco, said it all. He knew this argument was going nowhere.
    "Whatever. I don't want to talk about this anymore. Let's select the teams to pump up this year. Everyone, show the rosters and schedules."
    All five G5 commissioners at the table give Aresco the schedules. After looking at them for around 5 minutes, he comes to a decision.
    "Louisiana and Cincinnati."
    "But Appy State has-"  the Sun Belt commissioner tries to interject.
    "Look. Louisiana has a Big 12 game as the first one. They can win that. They also have Appalachian State. And Cincinnati has the usual AAC gauntlet plus they are already ranked. They are the best shots we have."
    "Ok."
    ...
    "Tell me something positive."
    "Well, I guess the MAC is no longer getting the heat for cancelling football!"
    The MAC commissioner, Jon Steinbrecher, starts smiling from the back row.
    "At least ESPN sort of likes you. You get special Tuesday games." 
    "And they are the best fucking Tuesday games there is!"
    "I wish I was like you. Getting even one drop of care from ESPN **AND** not having delusions of being a championship team."
    ...Silence washes over the group again. The bar allegedly ran out of beer that day. But still no one noticed.
    
    "Lemme say something real quick!"
    What?
    "At least we're not the Pac-12! *hic*" *oof*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> depressi depressi. that's just the life of the G5 (minus the MAC. those teams are the only ones still without the pressure of ESPN nowadays)


	5. Week 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Football is brought back from the chasm, and the season begins! Not everyone is ready to start just yet however...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally we get to the beginning of the season. I would like to think I set some good plotlines (for not caring about English classes at least). Anyway, let's begin!
    
    
    ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL!!!!!
    
    The day is September 3rd, and even though the mysterious virus almost plunged the sport into pure chaos, we can finally start going through the season. But before we start, some notes on how this whole "football" thing works. You can skip if you know it.
    
    The game is decided based on a simple points system. Whoever has the most points wins. You score points when you get into the "end zone" which is on the end of the field in front of the team. You get into the end zone via "Plays" which is pretty much just when the offense (the team with the ball) does something.
    The offense moves in increments of 10 yards. They have 4 tries to make it 10 yards, and the down counter then resets to One, thus signifying a "first down". If the offense is on the fourth attempt to get 10 yards (fourth down) and they think they can't get it, they do what is called a "punt", where a guy kicks it down the field and gives the ball to the other team. The offense is led by the “quarterback”, who takes the snap on pretty much all plays. He can throw it (a “pass”) where the receiver tries to catch the ball. If he throws it to the other team, that is an “interception” and the other team gets the ball. A “fumble” is when someone who has the ball loses possession by it dropping onto the ground.
    When someone kicks the ball in between the uprights it is a "field goal" worth 3 points. “Field goal range” is the area where a team can successfully kick a field goal, which is usually inside the opponent’s 35 yard line.  When you reach the end zone, it is a "touchdown" worth 7 points (except when an extra point [basically a short field goal worth 1/3 of the points] is missed, but that is rare as hell). They can also try a “two-point conversion”, where they run a normal play to get 2 points instead of the one that the extra point gives you. Teams only do this in desperate situations or when the math aligns for it.
    
    Good luck!
    
    And this brings the story to you! You are generic football fan #63282923. Thanks to the power of ESPN you get to watch any football game at any time. Thus you are on your couch with you friend Moon Woot. Why Moon Woot? Well you were watching a particularly compelling MACtion game and during the 5th overtime...
    
    The first game of the season is between Central Arkansas and UAB. You turn on the game and it looks interesting on the surface; being a 7 point game in the third quarter, and then Central Arkansas fumbles. UAB drives down the field and scores a Touchdown.
    "Well that game was worse than advertised."
    The other game features South Alabama. Who the hell is that?!
    
    Sunday rolls around and you notice that the Marshall Thundering Herd is playing. You have heard good things about that team and how good they are compared to the rest of C-USA. You flip the channel and what you see puts you in shock...
    
    " _Touchdown!_ "
    " _Touchdown!_ "
    " _Touchdown!_ "
    " _Touchdown!_ "
    " _Touchdown!_ "
    
    "I know it's the thundering herd but Jesus Christ can they show some mercy?" You start.
    "Yeah this is a football game not the Wyoming Plains." Moon Woot adds on.
    Luckily there is one more game of this week, a contest between BYU and Navy. You always wondered what the Navy program deals with. Do they always throw like how Army always runs? Why are they midshipmen? Well there is only one way to find out.
    You watch the game, and Navy is just getting throttled. The quarterback can't do shit and the team is fucking trash. But on the other end you see a generi- I mean good-looking white guy named Zach Wilson just scoring touchdown after touchdown.
    The game ends 55-3 and you feel disappointed. Not a single game that week had any popular teams!
    "God I hope the next week is better, c'mon SEC hurry up!" You dial the SEC commish's number to express your extreme dissatisfaction.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is how most of the rest of the chapters will be from now on, except for certain "pivotal games" which will have a deep dive and other events that happen.  
> Each week will have its own chapter, and they will be similar to this. With some variety, of course.


	6. Week 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As football continues to stumble past the starting line, the teams get set in more ways than one...

After spending about 60% of the weekdays asleep with no football to watch, Saturday finally arrives again. and guess what! THE BIG 12 AND ACC are back!!!!!!!
    
    
    More excited than ever you turn on the TV and call up Moon Woot to tell him to get the fuck over here.
    "Hey Moon Woot, get the fuck over here, we got RANKED TEAMS this week."
    "FUCK YEAH!!!!!" *phone hangs up*
    
    	Unfortunately for the two friends, Week 2 was less of a football display and more of a cupcake bakery. It was just awful. All the opponents were either unknown G5's or straight up FCS teams.
    "Should I send a donation to Missouri State? They got really trashed back there." You say after watching that "performance".
    "Are you really about to suggest taking the money out of the PIZZA FUND! That school will probably blow it on fucking corn or something."
    "You are right Woot... *sigh*" You then think to yourself "How much money would it take for an ASPCA commercial for the cupcakes? Imagine all the publicity they would get from being something other than a punching bag."
    
    
    You are about to just turn in for the week when one game catches your eye: ISU vs Louisiana.
    You saw it earlier when it was 14-7 in favor of ISU but you initially just passed it off as another blowout in the making but now it is 24-14 in favor of Louisiana... interesting.
    "HOLY SHIT AN ACTUAL UPSET?!" Woot yells, happy that the day wasn't a bore like last week.
    "It's looking like it." Just then you both see Iowa State punt.
    'YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH!!!!!!!!"
    
    ----------
    "They're actually gonna win! Good. The Big 12 is fucking trash except for Oklahoma."
    "I know right!" Just then the AAC commish accidentally bumps the MAC commissioner, who is still laying on the floor even though it has been almost a month since that drinking day.
    "You think he'll wake up?"
    "I wouldn't want to. He's probably dreaming about beating Ohio State or something"
    'Yeah right. He'll get back to us eventually."
    "I can't wait to see Cincinnati finally start next week. They are already #13! Maybe the committee will give them a chance this year?! Please?!" he says to no one in particular.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter I know but some weeks just fucking suck. Half of the games were uninteresting blowouts. I can only write that so many different ways. And I never was a long-form writer in school. Always liked the non-fiction stuff.


	7. Week 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As you and Woot get into the groove, the football games struggle to catch up...
    
    
    It's Friday night back over at the house and you and Woot ain't got nothing to do. "Well let's see what's on."
    
    
    You decided to take a chance and watch a football game that is going on for some reason. It's actually sort of interesting, a game between a team called the "Chanticleers" vs. another team called the "Fighting Camels."
    "What the fuck?"
    "I don't wanna think about it. Gimme a slice of pizza." Woot says to distract from actually thinking properly.
    "Sure thing, but I gotta watch this game."
    You both watch the game and it ends with a comfortable victory for the Chanticleers. However, you can only think of one thing.
    "What the fuck is a chanticleer?"
    
    Saturday rolls around again and looking at the ranked teams again it is even worse than last time. Both The Citadel and USF laid a big fat goose egg.
    It was so bad that even ESPN has to show a report about a pool being gathered to help the poor G5 teams by some fans.
    "I know what I'm putting some of my next paycheck towards."
    "More Pizzas?! Right?!" Woot gives you an absolutely incredulous look.
    You don't want to make her angry again. Not after last time when you turned off the A&M-LSU game after the supposed interception.
    
    _Some time ago..._
    
    "Interception by Kellen Mond in the end zone! LSU takes over with less than a minute left!"
    You and Woot both exclaim at the same time- "Screw this game!"
    After you watch some other games turn into blowouts, you decide to pack it up for the day.
    "I'm tired, I'm gonna go get some dessert and go to sleep. Tell me if you want any Woot."
    "Ok."
    As you are gone getting the dessert, Woot decides to check her phone. She then notices something very peculiar.
    "Wonder why they still have the LSU game on..."
    She checks closer at it and sees 3 characters that make her mind go in circles: 6OT.
    "HOLY SHIT MAN TURN THE TV BACK ON THE LSU GAME IS IN 6OT!!"
    "No."
    "Why not? :("
    "Cause I am already tired as hell, and I just brought my desert back." You say as you return with a gallon of strawberry ice cream.
    "They have like 15 TOUCHDOWNS though."
    "No."
    Suddenly, Woot takes the ice cream bucket and smashes it, sending ice cream all over the room.
    "WTF dude?!"
    "I wanna watch the game!”
    "Hell no! Now I gotta clean this shit up!"
    "Fine be that way! *grumble grumble*"
    The room smelled like strawberry for the next two weeks after that one.
    
    _E_ _nd_ _F_ _lashback_
    
    ".....Yeah, more pizzas."
    "Great!"
    Luckily, those blowout games quickly gave way to fun, more exciting games featuring actual offense.
    The best one of the bunch by far was a game between Miami and Louisville, both teams being ranked.
    It is 27-20 midway through the third quarter, and Woot is off this time getting another slice of Papa John's Pepperoni pizza with extra cheese and extra pepperoni and extra cheese.
    Then you see what could possibly be the worst defensive effort you have ever seen, as the Miami player rushes for what could be the easiest 75 yard touchdown a receiver has ever had.
    "Holy shit that guy was so fucking wide open!"
    "Wait what?" Woot rushes over with his new slice of pizza just in time to watch the replay.
    "...HOLY FUCK THAT'S TERRIBLE DEFENSE! I could have scored that touchdown with a potato sack over my legs! HA!"
    "Yeah that's just a BAAAAAAAD secondary. But Malik can do a comeback. He's been really good so far."
    
    Although the comeback didn't quite pan out, the game was only a 47-34 victory for the Hurricanes. 


	8. Week 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The SEC's return brings the product on display to a new level. But not everyone benefits equally from this football build-up.
    
    
    **September 25, Big 10 Commissioner's Office**
    
    "Tomorrow the SEC will make it's long awaited debut onto college football. This is a long time coming for most fans, as they were tired of seeing multiple high-ranking teams not playing."
    Warren is in his chair. He is finally getting a break after a long few weeks of dealing with all kinds of troubles. From the threat of Nebraska leaving the conference to the Ohio State team making a **very** public effort to rile up fans against him, the start of the season has been nothing but pain.
    Luckily, with the announcement that the SEC will finally start playing, almost all the fans have stopped caring about the Big 10.
    "I'm gonna be getting a call soon aren't I..." Little did he know just how right he would end up being.
    
    **Back at** **Y** **our** **H** **ous** **e**
    
    "WE GOT SEC FOOTBALL BACK!!!!!!!! YEAH!!!!!!!"
    "Is it really that exciting Woot? It's just some extra teams."
    "DID YOU SEE THEIR RANKINGS DUDE?! IT'S INSANE HOW GOOD THEY ARE!"
    This week would be the greatest week yet as not only are almost all the top teams now playing, there are few blowouts this time around.
    "Man all these game are offensive showdowns! This is why the SEC is the best!" Woot says while eating a slice of pizza.
    You switch to a game featuring a QB named KJ Costello. The team he is on, Ole Miss, is looking REALLY good against the defending national champions.
    "Over 500 yards already? Man this guy is gonna be good!"
    Switching to another game, you see Texas and Texas Tech near the end of the 4th quarter with both teams closing in on 50 points.
    "I swear did defense just take a vacation this week?!"  You can't possibly think that this day could get any better. But then...
    "THEY'RE OUT OF PIZZA!" Woot exclaims.
    "WHAT!? How could Papa John's run out of Pizza?"
    "I dunno but they have..."
    "That's a bummer.. But guess what I found in the mail this week!"
    "What?"
    "Domino's is running a buy one get one free deal!"
    "OURGYNRIUGYRWIORFMGWUFIWPRGFIWREGPOIIPOJGPIJF"
    And thus the day got even better.
    
    ------
    
    "Why the fuck are we STILL in this bar?!"
    "You know ESPN doesn't give us any money! And besides I didn't hear you complaining when you had the whiskey."
    "..Ok you got me there. But still, we have to find another spot eventually. Memphis is about to be unranked!"
    "We can't leave yet!"
    "Why the hell not?"
    "The MAC guy still hasn't woken up yet!"
    All the other G5 commissioners take a look at the MAC commissioner, still unresponsive.
    "How the fuck is he not up yet?!"
    "I don't kn-"
    "I got an idea."
    The Sun Belt commissioner slowly leans into his ear and yells as loud as he can;
    "ESPN IS TAKING AWAY YOUR TUESDAY MACTION GAMES!"
    " _ **WHAT?!?!**_ THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL I'M LOSING MY MACTION! ESPN has no idea what they'r-"
    "Stop your monologuing. We're moving up to Cinci."
    "Home turf I like it! Let's go!"
    To be continued...


	9. Week 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The G5's penchant for moonshots comes back again! But will things be any different this year?
    
    
    **Tuesday, September 29th**
    **Skyline Chili, Cincinnati**
    
    "Is this really the best Skyline Chili you could find?"
    "All the other ones have spoiled meat in it. You know how it is."
    "But this one has mice and shit in it! There's one right there! *points to mouse*"
    "Is all of Ohio like thi-"
    "NO! I'll have you know Ohio has some of the best restaurants in this country! And I don't appreciate you desecrating the state that has over half of my teams."
    "Please not now! Let me just say it fast, the new rankings just came out today. And it's not good." The AAC commissioner is looking very gloomy today.
    "Lemme guess, Cinci got shafted?"
    "No not that. Just read the order."
    
    College Football Rankings:
    #1 Clemson
    #2 Alabama
    #3 Florida
    #4 Georgia
    #5 Notre Dame
    #6 Ohio State
    #7 Auburn
    #8 Miami
    #9 Texas
    #10 Penn State
    #11 UCF
    #12 North Carolina
    #13 Texas A&M
    #14 Oregon
    #15 Cincinnati
    ...
    
    "I knew Memphis would stay ranked!"
    "Why didn't you pick UCF?"
    "Do **none** of you notice something wrong here?!"
    Silence.
    "There are 5 SEC teams in the top 15. You know what that means?"
    "That there will be at least two SEC playoff teams this year." The MW commissioner pieces together.
    "Yep! And that makes our job even harder than it already is."
    "I told you it wasn't gonna happen."
    "I just wanted to make sure you guys knew. Cinci and Louisiana MUST be kept undefeated. Louisiana already almost got tripped up. Do not let it happen. Got it?"
    "Yes sir."
    "Ok, Now let's all order some chili. And hey MAC, get your games running again. I need something to watch to avoid drinking myself to sleep every Tuesday."
    
    ------
    
    *ring ring* *ring ring* *ring ring* *ring ring*
    "What is it about now?"
    "Why aren't the games running yet?"
    "The virus is only JUST going away over here."
    "I don't care. Hurry up and get them running. Unless you want to join the Pac-12 in the ditch."
    
    ------
    
    After the incredibleness that was Week 4, Week 5 faces an almost impossible standard to live up to. Luckily you and Woot don't have too many standards, all you two care about is watching football.
    
    The next slate of games were a lot less competitive than the last, with about half the ranked teams getting easy wins that are nothing to write home about.
    Although Texas Christian University (A/N: really redundant naming if you ask me) managed to shock Texas.
    "Who cares anyway, it's Texas, they always choke somewhere, remember how they lost to Kansas! Who was worse than many FCS teams?"
    "You still talk about that? C'mon just let up on 'em and come eat some more pizza."
    "I will hold on to football funnies whether you like it or not."
    "*massive sigh*"
    Silence pervades over the room as the games are so boring and generic that you really have no idea what to even talk about.
    "At least Trevor Lawrence is doing his thing again. The Jets are so gonna ~~ruin~~ love him.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for another shorter one, the more important games are coming up soon, and those chapters will certainly be longer.


	10. Week 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Big 10 remains in a holding pattern as the big teams begin to separate themselves from the pack!
    
    
    "Why the hell has the Big 10 not returned yet? I miss the buckeyes."
    "I dunno Woot. At least they aren't fucking them over."
    "I don't trust the committee to not screw them over. It's happened before with other teams."
    "They wouldn't do that. Not to Ohio State. They are too popular."
    "Whatever you say."
    
    This week's games were better than last, as there were 4 games between two ranked teams. Miami, a potential playoff team, got nuked by the football legend Trevor Lawrence.
    "Is there anything this dude can't do at this point?"
    Next was Florida losing to A&M for some fucking reason. Good thing that both you and Moon Woot don't like A&M thanks to Manziel being Manziel. And they hired Jimbo, which is one letter away from Jumbo, which is one letter away from Dumbo.
    "These ranked games were fun, let's find another to watch... Who is 'Boston College'?"
    "Dude Boston College is next to the Patriots they have to be good!"
    "But they are paying the Pittsburgh _Panthers_."
    "What's wrong with Panthers? It's not like they are gorillas that eat their own shit or anything. Right?"
    "You'd be surprised what I have seen some panthers do in those nature shows..."
    "WHO GIVES A FUCK?! Let's watch! They just started OT! You know how much I love OT."
    "Fine, Fine."
    
    After reluctantly agreeing to Woot's request, the channel is changed and we see Pitt facing 3rd and 2 from the BC 17.
    "Oh shit they just lost a bunch of yards... fuck."
    4th and 7. Everyone knows they have no choice but to have QB Kenny Pickett (A/N: I don't think you could make a whiter name if you tried) throw the ball.
    You and Woot watch as the play begins. Pickett looks for someone to throw to, and finds no one. He makes a run for it.
    " _First Down!_ "
    "Phew! I almost had a heart attack, since you don't care about Pitt get me some ice cream before I faint." Woot commands. You do because you are a nice guy.
    Meanwhile the game goes on. First down quickly turns to third and long. Pickett tries a run just like he did on 4th down but this time the defense showed up in time.
    It's fourth down again.
    "ARE THEY TRYING TO GIVE ME A HEART ATTACK!"
    "I thought only the Seahawks did that kinda thing."
    "Well maybe we add a new team to the list." Woot then grabs a massive spoonful of ice cream as she watches the 4th down play.
    But Pickett barely gets enough. It takes a while to confirm the 1st down. During those few seconds Woot has already eaten 3/4 of the gallon of ice cream.
    "I thought you didn't want a heart att-"
    "SHUT IT YOU LITTLE FUCK!"
    "Ok ok damn, didn't know you liked Pitt so much!"
    Luckily for Woot's sanity, Pitt scores a touchdown. But the extra point............
    "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA EAT SHIT PITT!"
    Woot just leaves before she does something she would regret later.  She eventually stumbles upon an ice cream factory. That factory now has zero ice cream.


	11. Week 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The G5's plan collapses faster than you can say shafted!
    
    
    **???, ???**
    
    "What the hell are we gonna do this year?"
    "What do you mean?"
    "The lower schools are just doing too good this year. There is 5 of them ranked already."
    "Relax, they play each other. They'll all cannibalize themselves like last year and nothing happens."
    "I hope you are right..."
    
    ------
    
    For some reason, on Wednesdays of all fucking days, there is football going on. Unfortunately for you and Woot neither of you can watch because you are busy bailing Woot out of jail after what happened with the ice cream factory. But someone else WAS watching...
    
    A Yahoo search engine browser tab has just been closed. It's on the AAC Commissioner's PC, and he is fucking mad.
    " **DAMN YOU YOU FUCKING ROOSTERS!!!** "
    "God, these teams can't even follow simple instructions. All they had to do was stay out of the way and they can't even do that!"
    The rest of the G5 commissioners are waking up from a hangover thanks to not having MACtion to distract them from drinking.
    "W-w-w-why are you yelling so looooooudddddd..."
    "Louisiana lost to the fucking roosters."
    "The team was fucking shit anyway, you said it yourself!"
    "But they still deserved their chance!"
    "Dude just stop caring so much... Cincinnati will lead the G5 to the promised land anyway."
    The AAC commish moves to leave but the other commissioners forcibly hold him back.
    "You suffer here together with the rest of us. Like it or not we are still in the gutter together."
    
    ------
    
    Week 7 goes by in a breeze. With the Big 10/Pac-12 still not playing, almost all the games are either boring or total blowouts. This combined with the whole Woot situation means you don't even watch the games.
    However, two things seem to stand out to you while reading news articles after the fact:
    1. North Carolina receivers don't have hands. You have even seen rumors that the Special Olympics rejected them.
    2. Oklahoma State really deserves to have that game uncancelled. So many people are too damn angry about it.
    
    You also notice a score of 41-0 between Georgia Southern and UMass show up on the screen. You suddenly remember something.
    "Good thing I got my new paycheck this week!" You then donate $77 dollars to UMass from your account.
    "Man I feel good now. Just hope Woot doesn't notice next week when I have to cut the pizza budget."
    "Cut what?!"
    "Woot how did you get out of jail so fast? I thought the bail was gonna take at least a week to go through!"
    "Connections man. I got some followers thanks to my name. Apparently it is really popular on a certain website. Something with an alien on it."
    "I'm not gonna ask. How about some ice cream?"
    "You know I can never deny ice cream!" Woot then leaves to fetch her beloved ice cream.
    "Phew!" You look forward to the next week, especially since the Big 10 is returning.


	12. Week 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Guess who's back!
    
    
    After a nice week of relaxation and chilling out with the recently-returned Woot, football is back on the menu.
    Although there is one problem... After the "incident", You and Woot have been banned from buying ice cream. You need something to satisfy your friend, otherwise the stability of your house is threatened.
    Luckily you know one place that sells ice cream; Dairy Queen!
    You jump in a SUV and go to the Dairy Queen.
    "Hello welcome to Dairy Queen can I take your order?"
    "Yes can I got some strawberry ice cream cones?"
    "How many?"
    After a longer than anticipated pause to do some hand counting. you finally give your answer.
    "About 438"
    "..........Sir this is a Dairy Queen."
    "I got the money don't worry about it."
    "Ok your total is 1178 dollars 22 cents."
    "*sigh* Let's go."
    After getting the cones (and having at least 20 be eaten by Woot on the way back) you stick them in the freezer.
    "Thank god I played Tetris that one time on accident while looking up how to fit as many football games as possible on my phone. I would have been screwed without it!"
    
    Week 8 has arrived and THE BIG 10 IS BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *cough*
    ...
    ...
    Sorry about that, with the Big-10 back to playing, there are literally dozens of games to go through. Unfortunately, half of them are blowouts. AGAIN.
    "Man, where is the parity? I'm not about to start a fund just because the P5 conferences are top-heavy!"
    "Yeah you better fucking not! MORE FOR THE PIZZA FUND!"
    "Woot is food all you think about?"
    "And football!"
    
    After several pizzas get poached by the pizza monster, you are off looking for that last sausage pizza that you swear was delivered 23-24 minutes ago when Woot starts yelling about what could be the weirdest thing yet this season.
    "HA THAT IDIOT SCORED A TD!"
    "The hell you talking about?"
    "That Penn State guy wasn't supposed to score, that coach is fuckin' steaming!"
    "The coach is an idiot! No one should complain about a touchdown!"
    "Actually, the player is the stupid one. If he goes down they could have run out the clock!"
    You think Woot maybe put a little extra of something in one of her pizzas. Especially after Penn State ends up losing exactly how Woot described.
    You quickly go check and make sure that you got root beer instead of alcohol.
    "Yep this sure is root beer alright." Maybe it was the ice cream overflowing her IQ and making her super smart? "Hey Woot since when did you get so smart?!"
    "What do you mean?"
    "You foresaw Penn State getting fucked by that accidental touchdown."
    "I seen that before. The Falcons choked on the exact same thing."
    "...oh." Thankfully, your friend is not afflicted with the triple-digit IQ. You really wish you watched the NFL more.
    Somewhere, an ESPN register goes *ka-ching*
    
    ------
    
    "We're halfway through the season and you still haven't make a plan yet?!"
    "California's being a massive thorn in my side, there's nothing I can do! I swear!"
    "The fans are getting real angry!"
    "So? The MAC hasn't done anything yet!"
    "He was in a coma for 2 months! And besides you know how much tunnel-vision there is in Ohio!"
    "yeahjustlikeyouandyourcronies" Scott mutters, only barely audible to the other end of the call.
    "WHAT WAS THAT?!"
    "Nothing! Just let me take care of this. I'm doing everything I can."
    "Hurry the hell up before I officially exclude your conference from the playoff."
    "You wouldn't dare."


	13. Week 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Football continues on its romp, but who's the new guys in teal?!
    
    
    **Late Wednesday, ???**
    
    "God I fucking hate the Pac-12 commissioner. Why can't he just start his fucking games! I need a break from this."
    The ESPN guy slowly goes toward his reclining chair, which is surrounded by a pile of money.
    "Man I always feel good while I'm around here. This year is gonna be the best year yet for football. There's not even a UCF to annoy me this time. Life is good. :)"
    *ring ring* *ring ring*
    "Really, it's the scientists calling? Damn maybe this means the Pac-12 will get off its ass!"
    "Hello?"
    He listens to the scientist's words. Suddenly his jaw drops.
    "Are you sure?" "Is it actually him?" His face suddenly turns into an expression of pure anger.
    " **GOD FUCKING DAMMIT VIRUS!!!!!!!!!!!!** "
    
    ------
    
    Today is Thursday, and while you are deliberately ignoring South Alabama you notice something.
    "Four Friday games?" "And one has the Ticonderoga guy? SOLD!"
    You watch this Ticonderoga guy play. It reminds you of a certain other Ticonderoga who apparently had some tanks gunning for him last year, if the draft was any indication.
    "Welcome back to ESPN! Taulia Tagovailoa has just over 300 yards today against the gophers!"
    For the life of you you can't pronounce that name.
    "Talia Taglowbuylowa. Taula Tuaviola. Taulia Taglaglovia. Tulia Taggoviaola. Tall-ia Tuglo-"
    God I can't even listen to him do this. I'm outta here. 
    
    Saturday has dawned and guess what! Half the games are blowouts again. Luckily Moon Woot is with you again and enjoying all the pizza.
    "YOU REMEMBER THE COSTELLO GUY?"
    "Oh yeah the guy that threw 600 yards that one time?"
    "Yeah him. He got shutout."
    "Isn't he good?"
    "Guess not."
    Nearing the end of another fun day, you hear Woot again ask a question that makes you rethink your friend's identity.
    "What the hell is a chanticleer?"
    "Don't you just know those kinds of things?"
    "Yeah but not a chanticleer!"
    "BS."
    "It doesn't matter. What matters is that those Chanticleers are fucking amazing. They obliterated Georgia Southern!"
    "Cool."
    Since you have nothing else to do, you rewatch the game after the fact, this time actually paying your full attention to the players.
    "Damn that teal is **seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeexy!** And so is the team, damn that's some really good football going on over there."
    You make a note to watch some more of that tealy goodness in the future. But for now it's time to go to sleep and prepare for another week.
    
    ------
    
    **Back at the Skyline Chili**
    
    "YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSS!!!"
    "How the hell do you still have optimism? You know they won't select them."
    "You kidding? They just killed Memphis!"
    "Who is unranked."
    "They are a good team!"
    "Since when has the committee cared about an unranked team? They probably can't even count past 25!"
    "Aaaah you are just miserable. Cinci is almost guaranteed to make it this year."
    "Keep telling yourself that. Are we gonna ever get out of this Skyline Chili? I'm tired of counting the cheese shreds on the picture."
    "Really? You fucking count-"
    "YES! I gotta distract myself from my conference. Not even Boise is that good this year. It's 467, by the way."
    "You were better when you had a hangover."
    "Why can't we all just get along?"
    "Why can't you just start playing your fucking games?"
    "So cruel... I'm getting another chili."


	14. Week 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The BEST conference makes its long awaited return!
    
    
    "GUESS WHAT GUESS WHAT GUESS WHAT!"
    "You got unbanned from the grocery store?"
    "NO SOMETHING EVEN BETTER! TAKE A LISTEN!"
    You listen to the ESPN story.
    
    " _Breaking news, the MAC has officially resumed play starting today! Coverage of MAC games will go on all day, with two triple-headers on both ESPN and ESPN2. And now, highlights of some of the best MAC games._ "
    
    You and Woot both look at each other, each knowing what the other is about to say;
    " **MAC** **TION** **IS BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!** "
    "Quick order the pizza!"
    "On it!"
    And you both are GLUED to the TV, eagerly waiting for the MACtion to commence.
    
    And what MACtion it was. Only 2 out of the 6 games were blowouts, all the rest being nice close contests between two teams just playing for the love of the game. Even fans such as yourself can see the pure jubilation on the face of every single player.
    "Dude MACtion is the best."
    "Hell yeah Woot! Where else can you see two quarterback duel it out for all the marbles, never to be seen again?"
    "Nowhere else."
    "Man I missed this! I wish I could be down there in the stands watching that..."
    "I know... damn the stupid virus!"
    "Oh relax, it's not that bad. There's only been one bad case, and besides, it's Clemson. If they can deal with it, that virus can't do shit to anyone."
    "You know you are right! That virus ain't nothing! Now let's continue watching this MACtion!"
    "Hell yeah!"
    
    You and Woot got so drunk thanks to the MACtion that you miss the first bit of Saturday games. However, after a while, you manage to wake up.
    "I wonder if those Chanticleers with the sexy teal uniforms are playing today."
    You look through the schedule, and BAM! There they are. You wonder who they play against.
    "They are playing against-" You suddenly begin to choke on seemingly nothing.
    "South A-Alabama... god why...." You then pass out and miss the rest of Saturday. Luckily thanks to MACtion, instead of being a headache inducing failure, it is only a minor inconvenience. Thus is the power of what a good MACtion can do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MACtion is love, MACtion is life. Also the first of three "deep dives" games was in Week 10 (finally), so it's going to be the next chapter.


	15. Football Dive 1/3: Just a Dabo of Losing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Clemson machine, led by one Dabo Swinney, is humming along as usual. And then a crucial part breaks and threatens to put the whole thing out of commission right when it needed to be in the best possible shape...
    
    
    "This is not a good day. With Lawrence out the game against the Irish just became much tougher. But I think we can still do this!"
    Dabo Swinney is practicing for his pregame speech later that day. With Trevor out of the game thanks to the virus, Clemson is no longer favored to win. But luckily for Dabo, Clemson is a recruiting powerhouse thanks to being one of only 9 or so teams to have a chance of making the playoff.
    The fruits of this are displayed in Travis Etienne, a good RB, and in decent receivers like Cornell Powell and Amari Rodgers. 
    "At least if we win this game, the ACC is completely open for the taking, especially after North Carolina collapsed. Thank god I don't have those receivers."
    
    Eventually, 7:30PM arrives and the game kicks off. Clemson decides to defer the coin toss, so Notre Dame gets the ball first. And then there's a penalty. On the first snap of the game.
    "Oh boy..."
    But it gets better.
    " _Touchdown!_ " And it was 7-0.
    "Alright, let's hope D.J......... *sigh* let's hope DJ does good."
    Luckily, they have Etienne, so they get a first down. But then it becomes 3rd and 1. The play is to run Etienne again.
    "It's one yard, this will be easy!"
    But Notre Dame defends. They are forced to punt.
    "Bad field position.. come on defense do your job."
    It seems to work initially, as the defense holds to force 3rd and long, but then Ian Book throws a perfect pass to Javon McKinley, getting around the coverage to gain 28 yards and be just outside the red zone. (A/N: The red zone is the area inside the 20 yard line of the opponent's side of the field.)
    The chipping continues as Dabo has to watch the Notre Dame offense gradually push inside the 5. On 4th and 1, it looks like ND is about to go up 14-0.
    But then someone jumps the gun. 
    "Dammit!" Dabo distantly hears from the other side of the field. It's the Notre Dame coach, pissed that he has to settle for a field goal.
    Dabo has the opposite reaction; "Phew!" He feels much happier now. Unfortunately, the sweat beads that were on his head are not so enthused, as they are now being violently thrown off and down into the turf below. Good thing sweat beads are not sentient beings.
    One easy field goal later, it's 10-0 and Clemson has the ball back.
    After some good plays, they are already at midfield after only a minute with the ball. As the teams get set for the next play, he sees a potential mismatch, and breaks out into a small smile.
    The ball is snapped. Dabo is proven right, as the receiver, Cornell Powell, beats his coverage.
    "Please throw it to him..." he thinks.
    And DJ sees this too. He throws the ball his way, and it is caught for a touchdown. The Notre Dame fans see this and are promptly stunned silent.
    It is now a 10-7 game. With the offense clicking, Dabo is happy, even though they are behind, and Notre Dame is getting the ball again.
    But everyone has time to calm down, as Notre Dame takes it very slowly, running out the last 4 minutes of the first quarter.
    
    
    The second quarter begins, and Notre Dame suddenly shifts, as Book throws 3 good passes to put the ball at the 10 yard line. Dabo gets a little bit worried again.
    Thankfully, the defense stands up in a much better fashion this time, stopping the offense entirely and forcing a field goal. 13-7.
    Clemson gets the ball again and decides to execute a similar drive to Notre Dame's, but he forgot one thing.
    Clemson's offense does not have a "slow" setting. 
    DJ begins to move the ball, exploiting many mistakes by the Notre Dame secondary, first with a short pass that became a long gain because Notre Dame couldn't tackle, then with a 35-yard pass to Amari Rodgers to flip the field and put Notre Dame's defense against the wall.
    After another defensive failure on a 3rd and 12, Notre Dame's coach is looking particularly incensed. Dabo on the other hand looks calm and collected, because DJ is about to throw a TD pass to give Clemson the lead.
    Except he doesn't.
    But this isn't too concerning, as DJ doesn't make any mistakes, and Clemson kicks an easy field goal to make it a 3 point game. And now the ball goes back to the Irish.
    But they are forced to punt quickly, as K.J. Henry gets a nice sack, and the defense forces 4th and 17. Punt.
    "Alright, let's take control of this game!" Dabo tells DJ as the offense goes out on the field. Little did he know how big of a reverse card the football gods above just put down.
    He draws up a run play, but as soon as the ball is snapped he realizes his mistake. The defensive line easily beats their blockers and zeroes in on Etienne.
    In a horrible turn of events, Etienne fumbles and Notre Dame recovers for an easy touchdown. 
    Dabo is not happy. But he remains calm because he knows that not only can the offense recover from this deficit, but also that they can prove it right now.
    1st and 10 at their own 15 yard line. Dabo tries an Etienne run again and this time there is no fumbling. He gets a short 3 yard gain.
    2nd and 7, incomplete pass.
    3rd and 7 is where the train derails... The pass was complete to Amari Rodgers, but in contrast to his reliability on the last drive, _he fumbles._
    The calmness from just a few minutes earlier is shattered, as a loud "URRRRRRRRRRGH!!" can be heard coming from the Clemson sideline. If someone was paying close attention, they could almost see the soul of Dabo's play sheet cowering in fear. But no objects are being thrown today.
    "At least the defense can do something properly..." Dabo thinks to himself, as the Clemson defense steps up in the most crucial of times, forcing the Irish to settle for yet another field goal.
    With the score now at 23-10, Dabo wills himself to be calm, trying to think about the good defense instead of the fucking fumbling. With Clemson going back on the field once again, all he can do is hope that there is no more screw-ups.
    "At least DJ is still playing good."
    And DJ proved that point and then some by putting together a quick drive back near the red zone. Unfortunately, the drive stalls yet again, and, running with the theme of the game so far, Clemson settles for another field goal.
    Book gets one more chance to score some more points and take a commanding lead, but thanks to both the good Clemson defense and the low remaining time left, the Irish are forced to try a long field goal.
    Sadly for Notre Dame, their kicker sucks. Especially from long range. The kick ends up short and the 2nd quarter is FINALLY over.
    
    At halftime, let's just say Dabo has a lot to think about. All the fumbling, missed shots, and mediocre defensive play cloud his mind.
    However, there might not be any coach more equipped to deal with this situation than William Christopher Swinney himself with his 137-32 record and 2 National Championships.
    One thing he notices straight away is the amount of easy points that were left off the scoreboard; Notre Dame could easily have 8 more points and make this game be a blowout.
    He decides to control the Time of Possession, as Notre Dame had two 6 minute drives that made it more difficult to score points. "If we control the ball more, Notre Dame can't score as much, and we can win." Dabo thinks. Dabo is a smart man. Be like Dabo.
    
    The third quarter kicks off and immediately a 9-play drive kicks off. Thanks to Amari Rodgers, Clemson gets back in Irish territory, but yet another stalled drive...
    Clemson kicks a field goal and it is now a one-possession game. Clemson kicks off again, and Dabo prays for the defense to do something good this drive.
    And they DO! A quick three-and-out pumps up the Clemson sideline and puts a smile on Dabo's face. And now Clemson gets it right back with a chance to tie the game.
    "Time to put the plan into action."
    Somehow, the offense enters a "slow" mode, and the clock bleeds away. 
    The drive was started with 10 and a half minutes left in the third quarter. Dabo makes sure to waste almost all of the play clock on every play. And even though the drive started at the 40, thanks to careful play-calling so much time is wasted that by the time they tie the game with a 10 yard TD pass, there are only 4 minutes left.
    "That guy was so wide open... that secondary is not good." Dabo says, right after DJ throws the TD pass to a wide open receiver.
    But Notre Dame would not let them come back so easily. Ian Book was up for the challenge, and he silences any doubters with a 45 yard pass on the first play of the drive to put them near the red zone.
    After this pass, the Irish do a similar strategy to Clemson, getting short passes and runs to waste away the clock. As the defense bends more and more and more, sweat beads begin to reform on Dabo's head. They are pretty big too, just like his-
    It is now an extremely important 3rd down. Inside the Clemson 10, getting a stop here would go a long way toward taking command of this game and letting DJ work his magic on the field. Not getting a stop would make it very hard to avoid a touchdown, especially with how Book is playing this drive.
    Book takes the snap and fakes the handoff. He notices right away that the Clemson defensive line is getting obliterated on his right side. He runs toward there.
    What he **didn't** notice was one of the players getting off his block and racing for his legs. 
    Looking toward the end zone and seeing nothing but green grass, Book forgot to do one crucial thing.... 
    
    _Keep control of the ball._
    
    The Clemson defender does a perfect tackle attempt, grabbing his arms and causing him to lose control. He fumbles and Clemson recovers in the end zone for a touchback.
    "Phew! Jesus Christ this game is giving me a heart attack..."
    The sweat beads that had formed not 5 minutes ago were now being flung off, just like their brothers from two hours earlier. Ian Book can only look on in shock as he realizes just how badly he screwed up.
    "Do we have a fucking end zone allergy?! Goddamn this is the unluckiest day of my life!" the Notre Dame coach says. (A/N: Unfortunately, he is not a leprechaun. I know, it's sad. I'm sorry for ruining your dreams.)
    Dabo is extremely pleased at this moment. Even though Clemson can not do anything with their drive and are forced to punt, he can rest easy, despite the ass-clenching that occurred. The third quarter ends with the game tied at 23.
    
    
    The beginning of the final quarter is probably the most disappointing, immediately starting with a punt. But this means nothing to the Notre Dame home crowd, which is as excited as ever.
    Book gets to start off with great field position past the 40 yard line. The first two plays are disappointing. But everyone knows all it will take is one deep play, one defensive mistake to put the Irish in prime position.
    And they get one. A short pass becomes a massive gain when number 22 on Clemson pretty much stops trying to make a tackle, and the receiver takes big advantage.
    But the end zone allergy continues for the Irish, as the drive instantly stalls and Notre Dame has to settle for yet another field goal.
    "At least we have a good kicker." the Notre Dame coach thinks to himself.
    Clemson gets the ball back and tries to run the same clock-chewing strategy mentioned earlier. But Notre Dame's secondary had other ideas.
    DJ takes the snap and throws a perfect rainbow to his receiver, and not even 30 seconds in they are in the red zone.
    Dabo is sure that they will get a touchdown, but just as viruses spread from person to person to cause chaos and overall misery for everyone;
    So. Do. Allergies.
    Clemson seemingly gets the end zone allergy that Notre Dame has, stalling the drive and forcing yet another easy field goal.
    The Notre Dame coach sees this and a smile creeps onto his face. But for him and his team, this allergy is about to get much worse.
    On the next drive, the Irish offensive engine completely fails, with three straight incomplete passes and a false start penalty thrown in to force a shameful punt. But the punter makes a pretty good punt, so the worst is avoided, right?
    	Wrong. Dabo's clock-chewing strategy finally gets to start again and this time almost 5 minutes will be taken off the clock.
    Also a first is a touchdown for Etienne, who somehow has not had a touchdown yet this game. But Dabo knows there is still too much time.
    Notre Dame gets one(?) final chance to get a long drive. And two quick passes put the ball right at midfield. But the defense, which has stepped up for much of the second half, does so again, forcing two incompletions.
    It's 4th down and 7. The season for Notre Dame rests here... Book takes the snap, tries to throw it to Skowronek and it is......... incomplete!!!!!
    Clemson has the ball at midfield and a 7 point lead with 2 minutes to go. Clemson wins, right?
    **Nope.** The only benefit of Notre Dame throwing on almost all of that drive was that there is still time on the clock and if the defense can get a stop...
    Dabo is conflicted. He knows that his team is one set of downs away from the win but also one set of downs away from handing it back again, and putting a massive chip on Book's shoulder. Of course the sideline doesn't see that and they are already mildly celebrating.
    But he knows what to do. Run the fucking football. So he does. Aaaaaaaaand... gets nowhere. Fuck. 3rd and 14, gotta throw... only 5 yards. Gotta punt. Uh oh...
    "We got this in the bag, it's gonna be a long drive down the field for them, and they don't have that much time left. We're almost at the end of this."
    
    
    And the stage is set for the REAL final drive. 1:41 left in the game, down by 7, 91 yards to go. No time for incompletions or bad runs for a loss.
    And unfortunately for Dabo, the worst nightmare is about to come true.
    The defense just seems to fold. 10 yard pass, 9 yard run, 15 yard run.. this is getting bad. And then the floor drops out.
    53 yard bomb to Davis....
    Just like that, the field is flipped faster than a pancake being flipped in a pan. The Clemson sideline flips from celebration to shock faster than a skateboard flip in the X-Games.
    Looking into what Dabo is thinking at this moment would probably get this game banned on TV. Especially after Notre Dame scores three plays later and ties the game at 33. Especially after Dabo just decides to not even try and let the game go to OT.
    
    
    
    OVERTIME!!!!!! YEAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!! Dabo hears a pair of football fans say, far far away from the field. How the hell can he hear that from so far out? Maybe this game is causing him hallucinations. And it's not even over yet either...
    Dabo is back to normal, with the long break between regulation and overtime cooling his emotions.
    "Alright DJ, it's clutch time. Let's get this done. Get a quick touchdown so our defense can stop them and win."
    "You got it coach!" And Dabo really does think he's got it. After all, he did get the team 33 points, more than a lot of people expected when the virus took out Lawrence.
    "Fuck that damn virus."
    Overtime begins and both coaches are surprisingly not nervous. With both coaches having experience in the playoff, they have pure ice in their veins. And thanks to that, there are no sweat beads to potentially get flung again. Not that they matter o-
    " **Touchdown Clemson!!!** "
    Well that was easy. Two plays were all that was needed for DJ to get the touchdown. One extra point later and Clemson has a nice 7 point lead. But both coaches know that the Irish aren't gonna fold.
    Dabo just prays for the defense to hold. But the gods had another reverse card.
    Although not as bombastic as DJ, Book exploits the defense once again, and gets the Irish into the end zone. The score is now tied at 40.
    "Guess we go to 2OT..." both coaches think simultaneously.
    2OT comes on fast. This time the Irish have the ball first, and they do not hesitate to march down the field... until the Clemson defense makes them. They force a 2nd and 20, but an unfortunate "late hit" penalty takes all the momentum away and gives the Irish another 1st down.
    (A/N: Fuck late hit penalties like that, the defender can't do shit about them so its unfair to call it)
    After that, the wind seems to have been taken out of the defensive front, and Book goes back to eviscerating them and gives the Irish the lead.
    "Now it's all up to DJ... he's gonna do it, I just know it."
    Little did he know the gods had one more card to play. And it wasn't a reverse card this time...
    **It was a Draw 4.** So what were the cards that Dabo drew, you may ask?
    
    **Sack.** This one pushing them back 9 yards. Already a disaster. Now it is 2nd and 19.
    
    **Sack.** This sack is only 5 yards gone this time, but the motivation and optimism is just leaking out of the offense like a dam breaking. It doesn't help that the crowd noise is getting louder by the millisecond.
    
    **Incomplete.** DJ makes a perfect throw to his receiver, which would have given him an easy 4th down, but the defense breaks the pass up. It's really getting depressing now. Unless you are on the Notre Dame sideline, in which case it is like a massive amusement park made of ice cream and money.
    
    **TURNOVER.** This one is the most crushing of them all. DJ makes another good pass to a receiver, but he would end up being just short of the line. So he pitches it back, and another Clemson player tries to make it.... and fails. Clemson, the #1 team in the country, with a massive winning streak, has lost.
    
    Now there is only one thing left to ask for everyone: What now?!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jesus, that was a long one. But it's worth it I suppose. Also, fuck the NBC YouTube channel. The Extended Highlight video I watched didn't have the fumble in the 3rd Quarter along with many other things, so I had to go to the full broadcast and search through that. So ridiculous. The next chapter will be back with Moon Woot and Co.


	16. Week 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The failure of Clemson causes the first major shake-up. How many are to come?
    
    
    **Around 15 miles outside of Myrtle Beach**
    
    "TALK ABOUT THE SOONERS, THE COWBOYS, AND THE BUFFS!
     TALK ABOUT THE TIGER AND HIS TAIL!
     TALK ABOUT THE WILDCAT, AND THOSE CORNHUSKIN' BOYS!
     BUT I'M THE BIRD TO MA...”
    
    "Why did I have to be the one to do this?"
    The Conference USA commissioner is mad as fuck right now. Not only was he the one to finally drag the other guys out of the Skyline Chili after the rest got hangovers, now he had to deal with them drunk AGAIN, singing the Kansas fight song.
    "Dear god, why is life so cruel?"
    They just had to pick arguably the stupidest one too. And then repeat it for two hours and counting....
    He had the perfect place in mind for the next G5 meeting (whenever they sobered up, that is...); Conway, SC, home of the Chanticleers. They've been doing unusually good this year so it is only natural to go down there and show some appreciation.
    "This next meeting will be good too. After all, Cinci beat the shit out of East Carolina today, so that'll make the AAC commish happ-"
    "'CAUSE I'M A JAY, JAY, JAY, JAY, JAYHAWK! WITH A SIS-BOOM, HIP HOORAH! GOT A BEAK THAT'S BIG ENOUGH TO TWIST THE...."
    *groan*
    
    ------
    
    "Only #4? Favoritism much?"
    "I mean they did not have their quarterback... And it went to 2OT.... And Notre Dame is pretty good.... And-"
    "I get it dude, bring me more fucking pizza."
    "Piss off Woot, the games haven't even started yet!"
    "I want Pizza!"
    "It's coming eventually!"
    "...Fine." Woot sits down next to you with a menacing look in her eyes.
    ...
    "WELL?! CALL THEM!"
    You call them and ask for the usual 14 pizzas to be delivered.
    While they arrive, the games begin to come on. The virus was particularly aggressive this week, cancelling many games, including the one with the Chanticleers.
    That revelation makes you sad. And there is only one cure for sadness! An offensive shootout! Oh and MACtion, but that already happened. Sad.
    Luckily for you, we have a shootout in the making with Wake Forest vs North Carolina. You remember North Carolina, being the team with the handless receivers, but you notice they seem to have hands again.
    Wake Forest, you don't seem to quite remember... that is until a certain someone tries to jog your memory.
    "Is that Wake?!" Woot says, in between bites of pizza.
    "Yeah it is Wake, why?"
    "You are telling me you don't fucking remember?!"
    "...No?"
    "It's where my name comes from, dumbass!"
    "The hell are you talking about, weren't you always called that?"
    "NO! I used to have a real name. But I like Moon Woot better anyway. BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DON'T REMEMBER!"
    "Well I don't! You know how I can forget when I'm drunk!"
    "Whatever, I don't feel like telling you. Get me more pizza, bitch boy!"
    "Who are you calling bitch boy?"
    "Shut it you stupid fuck! You deserve it for forgetting my name origin story!"
    ...
    The game you were watching earlier quickly looks like a blowout, with Wake going up 45-24 midway through the third, but then..
    " _Touchdown!_ "
    " _Touchdown!_ "
    " _Touchdown!_ "
    " _Touchdown!_ "
    " _Touchdown!_ "
    And just like that, North Carolina won.
    "Damn that does feel good watching that ball fly! But now it's time for the rest!"
    The other games of that week are not particularly notable. Soon, you find yourself and Woot back to sleep under a mountain of pizza boxes. It's a good thing too, because there is football all next week! :)


	17. Week 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> MACtion Tuesday is here! How much better can a week get?
    
    
    Thanks to all the rest, you and Woot get up early on Tuesday. No way either of you will miss the MACtion this week!
    And what a nice MACtion it was! All the games except one were good, especially the game that Kent State played...
    "Ha! They scored 69! That's the funny number!"
    "NICE! How the hell did they manage that?!"
    "Lemme check out the play-by-play. It's gotta be good!"
    You check the play-by-play and notice something very interesting; not a single field goal was attempted the whole game.
    "This game was a good one, we really should have watched it! And they got 69 because they wanted to try a two-point conversion for some reason."
    "Thank god they fucked that up! There is never enough opportunities to get the funny number!"
    
    There was only one game on Thursday after the other one got cancelled, a close game between Tulane and Tulsa.
    On Friday, the games seem just as uninteresting as Thursday's, but then you notice a familiar team..
    "UMass is playing today huh? Well, guess I should see how my donation helped the team."
    You take a look and JESUS CHRIST WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!?!?!?!?!
    UMass looks like absolute shit. They can barely get a first down, never mind try to score points! Their only points of the game came off of a safety. And not just any safety, a deliberate safety.
    "Is this even a college football team?!"
    "UMass? Apparently. They somehow managed to be in the FBS despite pretty much being the worst football team you could possibly imagine."
    "That's it, I'm giving them more money. They need to get a good football team somehow!"
    "YOU BETTER NOT STEAL FROM THE PIZZA FUND!"
    "Relax Woot, I would never do something like that."
    You gift about $500 to U-Mass from another fund that you are keeping secret. Why? Well, this fund is used to help pay for ESPN subscriptions. Yeah, it might be 20 years worth of sub time, but you gotta be prepared!
    
    Saturday rolls around and the first thing you notice is the cancellation list... *sigh*
    There are 15 GAMES cancelled this week. FIFTEEN!
    "That damned virus is reducing football diversity! I was looking forward to that Ole Miss game!"
    Luckily, there are some fun games sprinkled in this week, one of which is Ohio State vs. Indiana. This game has playoff implications too, as whoever wins this game (and goes undefeated) will make the playoffs.
    The game was a bloodbath early on, with the Buckeyes jumping out to a 28 point lead in the 3rd Quarter, but then the tide reversed as Indiana made a valiant comeback attempt, but ultimately fell short.
    Another interesting one was the game between Florida and Vanderbilt featuring Kyle Trask.
    "Man he does look good. That Florida team looks like the best team in the whole conference, no disrespect to Vanderbilt." you utter, although your mind is weirdly focused on Gatorade for some reason.
    "I don't know what you see in him, he's just an average white quarterback, no disrespect to Vanderbilt."
    "C'mon Woot, he's great! He can beat  Alabama, no disrespect to Vanderbilt."
    "Nah Saban's team is gonna expose them like they always do to over-ranked teams, no disrespect to Vanderbilt."
    "BS! I bet even Vanderbilt could beat Saban if they got lucky, no disrespect to Vanderbilt."
    "Whatever, I wanna see them Chanticleers again, turn it on to that game, no disrespect to Vanderbilt!"
    You turn the channel to the game. Even though you are not disrespecting Vanderbilt, you still feel a little sad. But all of that sadness is gone when you see those sexy teal uniforms.
    You both are sucked in, and completely stop caring about any other games. Indeed, even the pizza slices that are normally getting ""put out of their misery"" are enjoying a rare break.
    The game was real good too, ending in a close win for the Chanticleers. But you and Woot are not packing up quite yet, for there is one tradition that you both had yet to indulge in: Pac-12 After Dark.
    You let Woot choose the game this time, and she chooses Arizona vs. Washington. You groan at this choice, as you know that Arizona is one of the most disappointing teams to see.
    "God, if only they actually chose to play good..." you think to yourself on reflex. And surprise surprise, they play like garbage. Go figure.
    Woot turns the game off before the second quarter even finishes.
    "God, THAT SHIT WAS AWFUL!"
    "That's why you don't pick Arizona Woot."


	18. Week 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As the end begins to draw closer, the CFP committee makes it's first appearance. What does this mean for the landscape of football?
    
    
    **Thursday, November 26**
    **Conway, South Carolina**
    
    " **IT'S FUCKING BULLSHIT!** "
    "You knew this was coming."
    "Call the fucking committee and get this shit changed NOW!"
    "You think the committee will listen to me? Ha! You and I both know they give no fucks about either of us."
    "It's fucking discrimination! We've been smoking most of our opponents and we are barely even ranked?! And fucking Georgia has two losses and is ranked #9! It's BS!"
    "Yep. But guess what, you aren't the only one getting shafted. BYU got screwed over just as bad if not worse. This is just how it is."
    "Fuck this stupid shit! We need to make our own playoffs NOW! I'm tired of getting shafted!"
    "You've only been shafted ONCE. And besides, we can't do that for monetary reasons. Quick, name the last FCS champion that wasn't North Dakota State. Exactly. Now just shut up and deal with it."
    "AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! This is not the last of this!"
    *call ended*
    
    "Jesus Christ."
    "Yep."
    "Those fucking roosters don't matter anyway. What matters now is that Cincinnati doesn't lose. We're lucky as hell, because even ESPN couldn't knock them down too far because of how much they are blowing teams out. And UCF _really_ tried to screw us over last week. But this is definitely the best chance we have ever had."
    "I still don't get how you can feel so confident about this, especially after the rankings were released."
    "It only takes one team to completely change everything. And the Bearcats are going to be that team."
    "Whatever. I still don't believe you. ESPN is going hard this year, even the MAC games are being moved away from their Tuesday spots."
    "Oh that's just because of the virus. ESPN is a bitch but not THAT much of a bitch."
    "Keep deluding yourself. I'm gonna go get MAC another beer before he blows up."
    The MAC commish was sitting there during that entire conversation, shedding some tears at the fact that ESPN forced him to move all the MACtion games.
    Luckily for everyone else, the beer arrives and the MAC commissioner is soon back in dreamland, having stopped his pitiful crying.
    "At least they let him have a Friday game. Can't even begin to imagine how sad it would be to have all the games overlooked on Saturday."
    "Hopefully we never have to." All the commissioners nod in agreement.
    
    ------
    
    Back at your place, you and Woot are just waking up on Saturday morning. The room is surprisingly clean after Woot finally got tired of stepping over pizza boxes. Oh, and not having any MACtion games helps too.
    The games that you two missed on Friday were mostly uneventful, with no real upsets to speak of. Also, in true UMass fashion, UMass got destroyed 45-0. Not even Arizona is as incompetent as the University of Massachusetts. How are they even in the FBS?!
    The Saturday games seem to be somehow even worse, with most of them being near-blowouts. There was one good game between Northwestern, ranked #8, and unranked Michigan State.
    This game looked like a massive upset at first, as Michigan State (who had only beaten a hilariously bad Michigan team) jumped to a 17-0 lead, but Northwestern figured out how to play offense and made the game 20-17.
    However, after that, the Spartan defense stood up when it mattered most and held them back just enough to allow Michigan State to win.
    "That game was interesting."
    "Yep, it was. Are we out of ice cream again?"
    "I'll check."
    You go and check the freezer, praying there is some there so you don't have to deal with angry Woot. Luckily, at the very bottom, there is one, leftover from the very first week.
    "Yes! I got it for ya Woot!"
    "Awesome."
    The rest of the day seemingly goes as usual. However, there is one more game that Woot wants to check out...
    "That one!"
    "Ole Miss and Mississippi State? Why?"
    "Remember what happened last year?"
    "No?"
    "Oh boy lemme tell you a story..."
    
    	Woot begins; It's two minutes left in the 4th quarter. Mississippi State (known as State from now on) has a 7 point lead and the ball. 3rd and 1. 
    State QB tries to make a play and fails. 4th down, Ole miss gets the ball back with ~90 seconds left.
    But shit goes wrong and it becomes 4th and 24. Ole Miss is screwed, right? NO! Dude throws an absolute BOMB! And now they are in field goal range.
    But it doesn't end there! They continue down the field and score a touchdown! Now a one point game! But guess what happens right after the touchdown.
    "What?"
    Take a guess!
    "Uhhh... massive brawl?"
    Good guess, but it's even funnier than that. There's a kid named Elijah Moore playing for Ole Miss, you know what he does?!
    "What?"
    He pees like a fucking dog all over the field!
    "....pffft..p-p...AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"
    I know, it's the funniest thing ever, right?
    "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" [A significant amount of time passes before you stop laughing. After this, Woot continues on.]
    So after that amazing performance, they get a 15 yard unsportsmanlike penalty for the extra point. And guess what happens!
    "Oh no.. you're not telling me..."
    YEP! He fucking missed it because of the penalty!
    "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!"
    "That was fucking hilarious! I'm so glad I let myself listen to your story!"
    “When have I led you astray on a story?”
    
    
    This year's version of this game unfortunately did not live up to that epic tale. Not like it could anyway.
    But after that story not a single cell in your brain cares...


	19. Week 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Someone decided to do the unthinkable... with the week shot, how far off the rails will you and Woot go?
    
    
    "What happened to the MACtion?"
    "Why is it moved?"
    "Who did this to the poor Ohio and Michigan schools?!"
    "This is a disgrace! I'm getting alcohol poisoning because of you!"
    
    The phone lines at ESPN headquarters are buzzing after MACtion was not seen on Tuesday/Wednesday for the second week in a row.
    The ESPN leader expected this, however. Due to being the first conference to cancel football, [REDACTED] essentially strong-armed the MAC commissioner into putting the games in the second half of the season on Saturday.
    This meant that pretty much nobody would watch those games because of the other "superior" teams on display. Sad.
    (A/N: I'm totally not biased toward MACtion. No siree bob. Never would even think about holding a conference where teams can score 60 points regularly and where no team is completely above the others *cough*ACC*cough* in higher regard.)
    
    ----
    
    With no MACtion to speak of, you and Woot have literally nothing to do, so you two go on a nice outing to a local wing shop.
    "It's Wing Wednesday, gotta get some 50c wings!"
    You and Woot enter the wing shop and start to gorge yourself on wings.
    Due to your competitive natures, you two quickly get into a wing battle.
    'BET YOU CAN'T EAT THE SPICY WINGS!"
    "Fine... gimme the spicy wings."
    You two get the spicy wings, along with a glass of water (for liability reasons).
    You bite down into the first wing and...
    "Not as bad as I thought it would be." However, you still swig some water afterward. Woot, on the other hand, is completely unmoving, like there was no spice at all.
    "PUT IT UP TO MAX SPICY!!!!!!!!!!!"
    The waiter sighs loudly and goes to grab some MAX SPICY!!! wings.
    "Really? Max Spicy wings? Are you insane?"
    "NAW I'M NOT INSANE! I'M GONNA FUCKING GULP THEM DOWN IN SECONDS!"
    You are smarter than Woot and choose not to follow after her. This means you do lose the bet though... "Goodbye 25 bucks... :("
    The wings arrive along with a glass of water that is so comically huge that you could fill a pool with it. Where do they even get glasses that big?
    Woot chomps into the MAX SPICY!!! wings without hesitation.
    "How is it?"
    "FUCKING AMAZING!!! HAHA YOU SUCK!"
    She suddenly becomes silent. Her face starts to turn redder than a communist flag.
    "Sure you're ok over there?"
    "IPSVPOSNGPOUEOIYNWZIUGWHIOZJXFIOJGX"
    *sigh* I hate doing this..." You force Woot's mouth open and pour lots of water down her throat.
    ...
    "FUCK YOU I WAS FINE!"
    "No you fucking weren't! You're lucky I care about you. Someone else would have let you fucking choke to death or whatever the fuck that was!"
    Woot tries to argue against this, but eventually has to concede. "Ugggh.. you're right. Let's just go home I'm tired."
    Woot leaves toward the car. You turn to follow behind her, but the waiter taps your shoulder.
    "Thanks for not getting me sued."
    "You're welcome. She already got banned from ice cream, really don't want that to happen again."
    "Yeah I'm sure." He hands you 25 bucks. "As a thank you."
    You then leave to drive Woot back to your house. Woot has already fallen asleep in the passenger seat, so you two drive in pure silence.
    
    
    Friday comes around and this time there are several games on, including 4 games with ranked teams. But unlike usual times, where they are blowouts, this time all four games are good! Rejoice!
    The best one is a Pac-12 game between Oregon and Oregon State. Oregon initially jumps to a 21-10 lead, and then a 31-19 lead midway through the 3rd, but the Oregon State Beavers never quite went away.
    The Beavers come back and pull off the major upset with a game-winning TD run.
    "Well I guess the Pac-12 isn't getting a playoff spot this year."
    "NOPE! Guess it goes to the SEC then..! FUCK YEAH!"
    "Nah it's going to Notre Dame."
    "No way, they'll get torched by Clemson in the ACC championship. The committee will drop them like a rock."
    "Whatever you say."
    
    Saturday rolls on in and all the games are blowouts. Well, not all of them, but enough to make the day unfun. There are some good ones, like Indiana's low-scoring win over Wisconsin, but nothing too dramatic.
    However, you do notice that TCU has pulled an upset over a ranked Oklahoma State team. The next few words escape your mouth before you can even think...
    "HOW ABOUT 'DEM COWBOYS!"
    "Where the hell did that come from?!"
    "I dunno Woot, I just saw them lose and it just came out."
    There is also another case of the funny number, this time because of Texas. This amazing feat was almost squashed, but our hero Ross Elder made a touchdown saving tackle to make sure the score was 69.
    You see what happened when you tried monetary gifts to UMass earlier in the season, and you decide not to make that mistake again. So what happens this time?
    "What the fuck are you doing?" Woot states with an incredulous look on her face.
    "I'm giving him my thanks by sending him a gift basket!"
    "Full of cat plushies?!"
    "It's better than monetary compensation! And besides, who doesn't like cat plushies?!"
    "Probably not a fucking football player! Jesus what happened to you this week?"
    "It's the MACtion man. It was keeping me grounded. Now look what's happening to me!"
    "Whatever. I like this side of you anyway. More fun!"


	20. Football Dive 2/3: Polyamorous Mulletry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A cancellation puts the Chanticleers in a very tough spot. Needing a signature win, they are forced to look in quite ...interesting places. But will this game be just a small skirmish in the Palmetto?
    
    
    "You have too many virus cases?"
    "Unfortunately, yes. The Liberty health team says we have to cancel the game."
    "DAMMIT! Sorry about that. Hope the team recovers quickly."
    "I'm sure they will. I was looking forward to this just as much as you."
    *click*
    "DAMMIT VIRUS! THAT WAS A RANKED TEAM! UGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!"
    Coach Jamey Chadwell is FUCKING furious. Even that word isn't enough to capture the amount of rage. The game that was supposed to put the Chanticleers on a national stage for the first time is now dead in the water.
    "This cannot happen! GOD FUCKING DAMMIT! *sigh* I need to calm down!"
    He walks out of the coach's office and into the main lobby. He turns on the TV which is (of course) on SportsCenter. They are going over highlights and scheduling of every ranked team.
    After a few minutes they get to the #13 ranked team, BYU. They are 9-0, just like the Chanticleers. But unlike the Chanticleers, and unlike almost every other team in all of football, they have a massive gap in their schedule.
    As an independent team, BYU gets to decide their own schedule, something which teams that are in a conference can not do. With the cancellations in the summer, the original schedule had to be thrown out and replaced on the fly.
    Thanks to the FUCKING virus however, it was impossible to get a schedule that was consistent. Dropouts and conference issues made the scheduling process a nightmare, and one consequence of this is the massive hole right at the start of December.
    This included the same day that the Chanticleers were supposed to-
    "HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!"
    An idea just popped into Chadwell's head; Why not get BYU to replace Liberty? BYU is ranked, undefeated, would be a signature win, oh this is just too perfect!
    And thus a call was made...
    
    
    **ESPN HQ**
    
    "Sir we have a request!"
    "What is it unflinchingly loyal secretary?"
    "CCU wants to schedule BYU for this Saturday!"
    "Don't they have Liberty that day?"
    "They had to cancel due to virus cases."
    The leader begins to think. Initially he leans toward no due to the work that would be required, what with the graphics and commentators that would have to be changed, but then he thinks about the money.
    Having a game with BYU in it would bring in more views, and thus MORE CA$H. With these new thoughts, the decision is made.
    "Do it."
    
    **Back over in Conway…**
    
    (A/N: The following is heavily exaggerated for plot reasons and because it is funny. Mostly because it is funny. Coaches do not act like this in real football games.)
    
    "You're a little bitch! You Mormons are gonna die tonight!"
    "Fuck you! We're gonna castrate your fucking roosters!"
    This is the kinda mood everyone is in tonight. With two 9-0 teams both having literally everything to prove, tensions are high. But even the highest of pressure environment will not get in the way of glorious football.
    And the game kicks off with a BANG!, with a nice 13 yard run on the very first play. But this did not last, as a cruel holding penalty forces 2nd and 17. This proves too much for the Chanticleers and they are forced to punt.
    "HAHA! Your O-LINE can't even block properly!"
    Now with the ball, sexy BYU QB Zach Wilson casually drops a pass to Neil Pau'u, who stupefies his defender and runs in for a 91 yard TD.
    "HAHA! Your defense is trash!"
    Except there was a flag. The play is null.
    "Haha! Your receiver can't even block properly!" Damn that's some reversal of fortune.
    But it is still 1st down. And Zach shows off more skill by running for a first down on a 3rd and long. But the drive eventually stalls out.
    "Nice try! But you still suck more than us! Oh wait, you're Mormons! You'll never know what a suck is!" (A/N: Yes this is how it is going to be. I am not sorry.)
    And now the Chanticleers have the ball back. And if you thought Dabo was good at chewing clock, just you fucking wait...
    And BYU really did have to wait. The Chanticleers took as much time as they possibly could off the clock, moving down the field slowly and carefully like a methodical army of roosters.
    It wasn't all just runs, however. For you see, Chadwell is a very clever alpha rooster. He put in several cool-looking option passes to ruin the plans of the BYU defense. Not to mention how the team chews the clock like how roosters chew bread slices.
    The result of this is a touchdown run to give the Chanticleers a 6-0 lead. But one of those roosters might have been just a little too aggressive...
    " _He puts up the extra point and it is NO GOOD!_ "
    "You fucking roosters can't even kick footballs with your terrible feet!"
    Chadwell doesn't even respond to this one. He knows that he has the real victory as of right now, because that drive took NINE MINUTES off the clock. The first quarter is already almost over.
    The quarter ends with Zach doing another run for a first-down. Man that kid is good.
    
    The second quarter begins, and Zach is instantly on the prowl once again, with a nice 16 yard pass on the first play.
    It ends up being 2nd and 4 on the Chanticleer 42, and the coach notices something;
    
    **There is no one in the middle of the field!**
    
    He changes the play into a running play and, what do you know, BYU scores a touchdown.
    "Your defense is worse than a fucking rooster call!"
    But not the kicking game, as the BYU kicker makes the extra point, giving the ~~Mormons~~ Cougars a 7-6 lead.
    The Chanticleers get the ball back and start moving the ball again. CJ Marable, the Chanticleer running back, makes a nice run for 20 yards.
    "Man, he's damn good!"
    But for some reason, on the next running play, Chadwell decides NOT to give the ball to him. And the gods, who are also watching this game, did not like that...
    The Chanticleer QB goes to hand the ball off and FUMBLE!!!!!!!!!!! BYU recovers the ball.
    Well fuck.
    "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" The BYU coach is just laughing his ass off.
    "You suck!"
    BYU wasn't going to suck. Not with sexy Zach Wilson on the team. He was going to lead them to the end zone and-
    4th and 1?
    The BYU head coach decides to take a risk; why not throw?
    And thus the perfect play was drawn up; an easy throw to the sideline for a large gain and a first down.
    He takes the snap, scrambles a bit... he sees the open guy. He throws..!
    And the defender makes an amazing play to break up the pass. **Turnover.**
    "Go back to Utah you fucking Mormons!"
    Even the student section is getting uppity, with cries of "Mormons!" and "MULLETS!" filling the air.
    Maybe those cries helped the teams out, as the next two drives were both touchdowns.
    The Chanticleers go first with another clock-chewing drive which took away about 6 minutes of game time, despite the fact that they started at midfield, featuring another good run by CJ Marable.
    It even carried some extreme risk, with the Chanticleers facing 4th and goal just one yard away from the end zone.
    "Fuck you Mormons we gonna run it in!!!!!!!!" And they did run it in.
    The Cougars respond with another excellent drive by Zach Wilson. The best part of this one by far is when he gets a 17-yard QB run because the Chanticleer defense is trash.
    "Your defense is worse than fucking moldy bread!"
    It is capped off literally on the next play with a 41 yard TD, but what is so special about this one is that the receiver tiptoes on the sideline like a little ballerina to avoid all the defenders.
    CCU gets the ball back, but thanks to ANOTHER penalty they are forced to punt. What a waste of CJ Marable.
    Sexy Zach gets one more chance to make something happ- **FUMBLE!!!!!** Luckily, Zach recovers the ball.
    Anyway, Sexy Zach gets one more chance to make something happen before the end of the half, and after getting close to midfield, he has but a few measly seconds.
    BYU has no choice but to go for the hail mary, a one in a million chance. Unfortunately, even for Zach, luck can not go on forever and it is intercepted and the half is over.
    ...
    ...why isn't there a line break? Hello?!
    "...fight, fight, fight fight **fight, fight, FIGHT!** ”
    Mormons vs. Mullets, an epic fight for the ages! Round 1 is beginning and HOLY FUCK! Two mullets are double teaming the Mormon QB! Damn that is some spicy takedowns! OH and they are doing it again! Someone please save him!
    The call seems to be answered as dozens of Mormons are storming the field! Those mullets are about to be razed!
    But wait! Their fellow mullets are also jumping in! Who will win this epic brawl?!?!
    ...It's a draw? That's a shame. And there weren't even any flags?! **HOW IN THE EVERLOVING FUCK-** *TV cut sound*
    
    	The third quarter is up and running and the first play is a beautifully executed fake handoff by Zach for a first down. They set up for the next pla- GET 'EM MORMONS! GET REVENGE ON THAT MULLET LIKE GOD GOT REVENGE ON THE ROMANS WHEN HE- *TV cut off*
    ...Zach drives down the field and gets the Cougars inside the red zone, but the Chanticleer defense comes out of the coop in the nick of time, forcing them to settle for a field goal.
    The Chanticleers get the ball and they can't do too much with it. They punt and BYU attempts to run it back and FUMBL- nevermind, false alarm. Phew, my blood pressure almost reached 200.
    BYU begins their drive, and oddly they start with a running play, despite having sexy Zach Wilson to throw the ball. I'm sure this is just an attempt to surprise the defense and- **FUMBLE!**
    The defense suuuuuure got a surprise alright. That'll teach those Mormons to not neglect their star ~~pr~~ ~~eacher~~ QB.
    "HAHA YOU MORMONS ARE FUCKING USELESS! ACCEPT THE CHANTICLEER HEGEMONY!!!!!!!!"
    Even the sideline is joining in on this one, as they are extremely energetic! 
    It seems that both teams are fans of neglect though, as the Chanticleers also neglect their QB and don't run a single pass play. This also fails for them and they are forced to settle for a field goal. It is now a 17-16 game.
    The Cougars start again and this time they start getting somewhere. They are already at midfield after only a few plays.
    But Zach makes a rare mistake and tanks his draft stock by taking a 12 yard sack, putting them out of field goal range and forcing another punt.
    Coastal Carolina doesn't make mistakes like that. They go on another clock-chewing drive, which eats up all the time left in the third quarter.
    
    The fourth quarter begins now, but this means nothing for the Chanticleer clock-eating machine. They just keep on chewing, and thanks to BYU forgetting how to tackle, the Chanticleers get a touchdown and take a 22-17 lead.
    The game is getting much less exciting now, so much so that Chadwell doesn't even bother with an insult this time. But this isn't even close to rock bottom...
    What does that mean? How about four punts in a row. *sigh* 
    Well there was one fun thing that happened:
    Zach takes the snap, and completes the pass! But there are Chanticleer defenders all around him! So he goes backwards... and backwards... and backwards... but those roosters are fucking fast. He gets tackled for a 17 yard loss.
    It becomes a hilariously unfair 3rd and 30. And surprise surprise, they punt. Whoopee. God I wish there was a fight now.
    *snore*
    ...
    ...
    HOLY FUCK THE QUARTER IS ALMOST OVER!
    With only one minute left, BYU gets one final chance to drive down the field.
    Channeling his inner Steve Young, Zach leads a blazingly fast drive down the field, beginning with an amazing catch by his receiver for a 33 yard gain. 
    He then drops two more quick shots for another 30 yards. Another pass brings him inside the red zone. But the time crunch is really getting intense, as there are only 3 seconds left.
    One play.
    The objective is simple; get to the end zone.
    Four receivers run down the field.
    Zach chooses the middle one. He is not quite there but with only two yards to go, chances are good.
    The receiver makes a final dive...
    But it was not meant to be for the Mormons, because today the Mullets are the ones who will take the W.
    #15 on the Chanticleers single-handedly drags the receiver away from the end zone, stopping him just short. Game over, Chanticleers win.
    The gloomy atmosphere is shattered as everyone starts jumping around again like they were in the first half. This game ended up being a more interesting contest than anyone on either team could have imagined.
    Even the game-watchers at ESPN were pleased. They are gonna make a lot of money today.
    Somewhere in the ESPN HQ, a cash register explodes in a dazzling array of greenbacks...


	21. Week 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The regular season is drawing to a close. But everyone's looking to bow out with a bang this week...
    
    
    After many trials and insane BS, we have finally entered the final week of the regular season. This week is by far the most important, as here many rivalries are tested.
    There is one more important than any other, one that surpasses any NFL game in terms of significance, and that is Ohio State vs. Michigan. Long have these two teams fought each other, featuring several all-time classics.
    Recently however, this fight has been lopsided. Ohio State has won the last 8 in a row, and it's not looking good for #9, as Michigan really sucks this year.
    But from the heavens, an intervention is staged. The virus that has sunk many-a-game this season is coming back again...
    "Its cancelled!"
    "WHAT?! HOLY SHIT! WE WON'T LOSE THIS YEAR!!!!!!!"
    The state of Michigan rejoices! Those Buckeyes will not lord over them this year!
    ...
    Somewhere in the Big 10 commissioner's office, a glass suddenly shatters. Then another. Yet another. Soon this becomes a cascade of shatters as everything seems to break all at once. A fragile balance has been overturned like a game of Monopoly.
    "Oh fuck me....."
    
    ---
    
    Back in the Woot cavern, you two pay no mind to the catastrophe in the making, and instead gear up to watch some good old-fashioned football.
    You and Woot are decked out in your favorite sports uniforms, Woot having her Pitt Panthers jersey and #1 finger while you have the proud blue of Boise embedded in all of your clothes.
    The first rivalry of today is Alabama vs. Arkansas. You turn to the game... and immediately turn it back. Alabama is absolutely destroying Arkansas. Saban is just too good for this world.
    The next one is Illinois vs Northwestern. Apparently someone turned on the time machine for this one because neither QB has 100 yards passing for the whole game.
    Woot seems interested for some odd reason, so you watch the game despite your internal screaming.
    "Stop looking so down! This is how football was back in the old days! Tons of runnin’ and puntin’!"
    "Why the hell do you of all people appreciate this kinda shit? It should be left in the past!"
    "Fuck you! At least I can appreciate the classics, unlike you!"
    You would have argued, but at that moment you unconsciously jammed a full slice of pizza in your mouth.
    The game is just as boring as you guessed it would be, even with Northwestern getting 400(!) rushing yards. You can almost swear you hear your mind screaming "I TOLD YOU THIS WOULD BE A MISTAKE!" with each stoppage of play.
    After the horror show concludes, you turn to the next game, a contest between USC and UCLA. These two schools are only 12 miles apart, so the games hold a special meaning for people in Southern California.
    This game ends up being a great game, where after a slow start, UCLA jumps to a 28-10 lead in the 3rd, but USC comes back in the 4th to take the lead. UCLA gets a field goal to go up 2, but USC scores a game-winning TD in the final minute.
    After this one, many empty boxes of pizza are strewn all across the floor.
    "That one was fucking good!" you both say simultaneously.
    After this one, you take the initiative and switch it over to your favorite team, Boise State, who is going up against Wyoming. This one ends up being a low-scoring snoozefest in the Wild West, as neither team can do much of anything. The game ends in a 17-9 victory for Boise, so you know what that means...
    "FUCK YEAH GO BRONCOS!!!!!!!"
    "YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-" Woot cuts you off with a pizza to the face.
    "PUHM PFFU MOOOO!" (fuck you Woot!)
    "You deserve it dumbass, you almost broke my ears!!"
    You both decide to call the day there before any more ear-fuckery can happen and slowly wind down.
    "Who do you think is gonna win the playoff?"
    "’BAMA, DUH! They are SEC and they are shredding everyone this year! What about you? You better not say-"
    "A&M."
    "Really? They got screwed by 'Bama earlier! You are no fun."
    "I like the upsets, you know me."
    "Fine be that way. At least I wont be depressed when they don't make the playoff."
    "Of course they will, Notre Dame will get crushed and fall out, and A&M will swoop in like a vulture and take the last spot and crush Alabama."
    "I hope you are totally wrong. It would be nice to see them though..."
    "Yeah whatever. Fetch me more pizza Woot."
    "On it!"


	22. Peak Irradiation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The last week of the season is always a time for craziness. But this year's slate has caused a ruckus unlike any other...
    
    
    **CFP Committee Room**
    **X:XX PM**
    
    Contrary to popular belief, when the CFP committee does its selections, it isn't a formal affair. They don't sit around on a ESPN-shaped table in suits discussing how they will screw over a G5 team, no no no. Instead it is more relaxed.
    In this room now is some couches and chairs bought from God knows where, mixed in with some fancy decor and many, many football memorabilia. And a mini-fridge, stocked full with some leftover pizza and beer.
    There is also the "Master System", where the final rankings are compiled and sent off to ESPN, but this is just a normal PC. One of the members is using this PC right now, laughing at a funny video. What video?
    "What video you watching?"
    "Just something funny."
    "What is it..."
    "C'mon, don't be that way. It's just football highlights."
    "Oh cool lemme watc-" The committee member then notices what he is watching; the recent game between Arizona and Arizona State. Arizona looks even more pathetic than usual as they are being absolutely obliterated by the Sun Devils.
    *chuckles* "That is pretty funny!"
    "Knew you'd see it my way. Arizona really is fucking trash!"
    "I'm gonna go get a beer from the main bar."
    "Bring me one too!"
    He leaves. The committee chairman continues watching Arizona get pummeled, when suddenly, just as Arizona State is about to score again...
    
    
    **ERROR 58516**
    **An error has occurred that has halted execution of "CFPlan.exe".**
    **Please call your nearest ESPN representative at 1-800-LOL-MICH.**
    
    
    "Uh oh............"
    Faced with no other choice, he dials the number.
    Beeeeeep...Beeeeeep...Beeeeeep...Beeeeeep...
    After a disturbing number of dial tones, the line picks up.
    "You know why you're calling right now, yes?"
    "They cancelled the game, didn't they."
    "Uh huh. Everything is in chaos now. You know what this means for the rankings right?"
    "Yep. Ohio State is locked out of the conference championship, and they can't be put in the top 4."
    “ **That's not gonna happen.** "
    "Why does it matter, just put in A&M or something."
    "You don't understand. The Buckeyes will make us more money than the Aggies ever did."
    "Alright, I get it. Why are you calling me then?"
    "To help 'convince' the Big 10 commish to let them in."
    "You need me for that?"
    "Truthfully, no. But it would make this faster with more pressure."
    "*sigh* Fine."
    
    _Meanwhile at ESPN HQ..._
    
    	A bomb has just went off. Not a real one, but from the way some of the employees are acting, you would be forgiven for thinking so.
    Several conversations are happening at once, each seemingly trying to out-loud each other. From the graphics department to the bar staff to the people performing a pedicure on Stephen A Smith's feet, everyone is on a razor edge.
    People are quaking in their shoes, knowing that the wrath of the ESPN president has just been triggered. No one wants to move too far to avoid running into him on accident.
    Luckily for everyone, the president is staying in his office, although the word "office" may not be accurate to describe the scene.
    There are papers strewn about everywhere, walls that have knuckle-shaped dents in them, pencils that have been tortured, and a PC that is running its fans at 100%, trying desperately to cool down the room.
    And at the center of it all is one James Pitaro about to spontaneously combust into a raving pile of bones and goop.
    "WUHYERITOWEUHXOEXIUGHKPOZFUEIXHGOWURIZFWHRXGUOWJPZKOPEWJZFKOMIWEHFOWZEUFHWEOGIEKHWOWUENGHEPOIWKJOPWEIZJLFOIWPEFHNCIOHGR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
    After several butt-clenching minutes of terror, he finally calms down enough to form words. And he knows just where to send them to...
    
    _Big 10 Commissioner's Office_
    
    Kevin Warren is in a chair, watching a funny video.
    "Holy shit Rutgers is so fucking trash! This is the best!"
    The video he is watching is the 78-0 beatdown of Rutgers in 2016. Rutgers really is the Arizona of the Big Ten.
    "Man it's so fun seeing them get absolutely-"
    *ring ring* *ring ring*
    He knows who is calling.
    "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH FUCK!"
    A sigh that could collapse buildings in California comes out of his mouth before he answers the call.
    He does not even get the chance to think before Pitaro starts.
    "Change the rule."
    "But I can't just-"
    " **Change** **it** **.** "
    "I don't want to look hypocritical."
    " **I think you would rather have that than a PR nightmare.** "
    "That's the best threat you have?"
    " **You really think I'm not playing all my cards here?** "
    *ring ring*
    The CFP committee chair joins the call.
    "Really? You guys too?"
    "We will exclude Ohio State from the playoff if they don't play."
    "Undefeated Ohio State? Imagine the shitstorm you will face."
    "Imagine the shitstorm YOU will face. Remember what happened in 2014?" (A/N: As mentioned in Chapter 3, in 2014, thanks to not having a conference championship, The Big 12 had no representative because Baylor and TCU were both 11-1. A game between them would surely have sent the winner to the playoff, likely over Ohio State.)
    "You wouldn't do that to the Big 10."
    " **Yes we would.** " Both ESPN and the CFP chair say at the same time.
    "So what."
    "We already ran the story."
    "What the fuck do you mean 'story'?"
    " **Watch.** "
    
    _This is SportsCenter with breaking news, thanks to the Michigan game's cancellation, Ohio State will not be able to participate in the Big 10 Championship game._
    _They will be replaced by Indiana, a team that Ohio State beat earlier in the season. Now I'm handing it off to my special guest today, CFP chairman Gary Barta._
    _So Gary, what implications does this have for the playoff, especially concerning the Buckeyes?_
    _"This really dampens their chances, without another big win a one-loss SEC team like A &M could very well sneak in, maybe even Florida if they beat Alabama in their championship game."_
    
    There is more on that story, but Pitaro cuts it off there. Silence dominates the call for a few moments.
    ...
    ...
    ...
    "Well?"
    Warren is stuck silent for now, calculations seemingly running through his head. After some time, he comes to a decision.
    "Still not doing it."
    "Figured you would say that."
    "The hell are you on about?!"
    “The hell am I on about?”
    "What do you mean, just what the fuck are you on about?"
    "Oh nothing, I’m just about to order the employees to do a Big Ten sex scandal documentary."
    "Don't you fucking dare! We'll lose too much money!"
    "Then change the rules then. Unless you want to see a 30 for 30 on Jim Tressel."
    "Wait-"
    "How about a segment on Kevin Wilson?"
    "Please d-"
    "Or a not Top 10 on Rutgers games?"
    "That one would be funny."
    "Agreed."
    " **Whatever. Change the fucking rules.** "
    "Why shoul-"
    *ring ring* *ring ring* *ring ring*
    The ESPN president smiles cruelly, as he realizes who is about to join this discussion; Ryan Day.
    "How did you even get-"
    "Put Ohio State in.  **Now!** "
    "I don't kno-"
    " _ **LOOK AT THE FUCKING REACTIONS!**_ "
    Ryan gestures to a conveniently placed "big board" of sorts, featuring no less than 100 fans extremely fucking angry.
    "Oh fuck..."
    Suddenly, all the screens switch to a video so awful, so gut-wrenching that all the members of the call are forced to look away.
    A video starts playing of a dog wearing an Ohio State sweater. The dog is then told that Ohio State can't go to the playoff. The dog starts doing the saddest whining ever, looking so dejected.
    He even ignores a treat laying on the floor and sulks in his bed. The video then plays some sad music while the dog cries.
    "PLEASE PLEASE I'LL DO IT!"
    "YEAH YOU BETTER FUCKING DO IT AFTER THAT!! JESUS CHRIST!"
    "See? I knew that would do it."
    " **FUCK YOU!** " Everyone except Day says.
    
    -------
    
    **???**
    
    "It's not gonna happen."
    "I refuse to believe any of your malarkey."
    "Cincinnati had to cancel it. There is no path, especially not with 3 SEC teams in the Top 6."
    "Get the fuck out."
    "I'm not letting you drink yourself nearly to death again!"
    "Let me fuck up on my own terms!"
    "You know I can't let you do that. I don't want a repeat of what happened to MAC."
    "He looked like he was having fun... more fun than I'll ever have..."
    "Yeah but he's MAC... you know you can compare to him."
    "Just let me go before I smash your face in."
    "Nope. How about this, we go back to the Skyline Chili and I'll let you count the amount of cheese shreds this time."
    "But isn't it 467?"
    "There's another board up there you know."
    Every GS commissioner is unhappy today. This week's rankings combined with the cancellation meant that even Aresco could no longer delude himself into thinking Cinci had a chance. Now all that is left is broken dreams and a pool of misery.
    Soon this will turn into anger and probably lead to many, many venomous phone calls to many different parties. But not today. Today is a day of dejection and sadness.
    All the commissioners, too sad to think of any objections, pile into the car and go back to the Skyline Chili.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was fun to write, was beginning to get tired of this fic but there is not much left to go, just the last week, the third football dive game, and epilogue.


	23. The Championship Gauntlet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The REAL most important week is here. It is a make-or-break moment for several teams. With playoff implications all across the country, one thing is certain: Someone will come out a sore loser, and it sure as hell isn't the NCAA...
    
    
    You and Woot are out on the town eating something special; an Italian restaurant. Gone are the tasty but repetitive pizza boxes and in comes the great flavors of lasagna, spaghetti, and even pizza, assaulting both of your nostrils with its amazing smells.
    Woot has a plate of spaghetti piled high with cheese. How she got this cheese is truly something exceptional; the waiter came with a cheese grater (A/N: Nice) and asked her when she wanted the cheese to stop. And thus a waiting game was played.
    As the seconds turned to minutes, your eyes almost popped out of their sockets as the cheese pile exceeds six inches thick. At this point, Woot finally calls it off, and digs in as if nothing is wrong. Truly, she is a weird being.
    You on the other hand have a simple lasagna, the noodles held together perfectly by the hamburger inside. You take a taste and the flavor overwrites any doubts. This lasagna is DAMN good.
    "Man this place is fucking awesome!"
    "I know right! Each time I come here I am surprised how good it is!"
    "So why'd you send us here? I know you wouldn't just up and do it for shits and giggles!"
    "Because I gotta tell you something."
    "What?"
    ...
    ...
    ...
    ...
    ...
    ...
    ... (A/N from the future: *whistles innocently*)
    "We're going to a new place!"
    "Why?!"
    "It's conference championship week! We need a new place to give it the attention it deserves."
    "How the fuck can you afford a new place?"
    "I made a few phone calls..."
    
    _One year earlier..._
    
    You are fucking around in your house in preparation for Championship Week, but you are looking for a new change of scenery.
    You choose to dial daddy ESPN up for some cash.
    *ring ring*
    "Hello?"
    "Buy me a new house, Mr. Executive Fucknut."
    "What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I'll have you know that I graduated top of my class in-"
    "Can it. Gimme new house. You know how important me and Woot are in bringing you money."
    "How about no."
    "Oh ok. How about I tell my **(CURRENT r/CFB follower count)** followers to watch pirated streams instead?"
    "...Fine."
    
    -----
    
    "...and now we got a new place!"
    "COOL!"
    	You two respectfully finish your meals, and then head on over to the new house. This one is much more spacious than the old one, and even has a second floor with an outdoor pool and a room with a 130 inch TV.
    On the first floor is a normal-sized TV, and two separate bedrooms to sleep in, both 5-star hotel quality. There is even a dedicated area for all of the pizza boxes that will be eaten through on Saturday.
    And of course, it all comes with a free ESPN+ subscription. That's the most important part.
    You two decide to just rest up in the bedrooms, with king-sized beds to accommodate even the most violent of sleepers.
    
    
    	Saturday arrives and the games are ON! But since these matchups are so important, we go in reverse order this time.
    The least important game by a gigantic margin is Army vs Air Force. They even play like their rank, too, with the first three drives being an interception, fumble, and missed field goal.
    Army responds with a field goal, but this one is special. Army likes to run. REALLY likes to run. So much so that there was literally one pass the entire game. A bowl of rice has more diversity than the Army offense.
    Thanks to the insane amount of running, the drive takes up **20** plays and 10 minutes of game clock. And they also threw the one pass that drive. And they only got a field goal. 3-0. 
    And then a punt. And then a turnover. And then ANOTHER missed field goal by Air Force. God just kill me please.
    The second half starts and Jesus Christ somebody fucking put a chloroform rag over my mouth-
    Air Force scores! Why? Because they actually figured out how to pass. With 3 sexy passes by Hazziq Daniels, they score a touchdown and take a 7-3 lead.
    And then back to the boring stuff, with a punt, and an interception.
    But then Army runs their way into the end zone! Army wins 10-7.
    
    
    The next least important game is surprisingly Utah vs Washington State. This one is not as mind-numbingly boring as the last game, but it doesn't seem to matter early on. Washington State turns on the gas and takes a quick 14-0 lead, then extends that to 28-7 at halftime.
    But Utah was not done, as they rattle off 3 straight touchdown drives to tie the game while Washington State gets addicted to punts. It gets even worse as they replace their punt addiction with a fumble addiction, which Utah converts into 10 more points.
    And then they turn it over two more times to end the game. That is 4 turnovers on 4 drives. Ouch. Utah wins 45-28. This game has no playoff or even conference implications, sadly, at least this one was actually good.
    
    
    Then we get to the first conference championship, this one of the Mountain West conference. This one is between the blue-fielded Boise State Broncos, and San Jose State Spartans who are barely ranked despite being 7-0.
    This one is the most... normal of all the ones so far. The game starts with a touchdown by the Spartans, and then the teams trade field goals. They are completely opposite however, with one being a long 51-yarder and one being just 24 after a great defensive stop.
    It gets kinda boring for a while until Boise decides to go for it on 4th and 12... and fail. Pretty aggressive even for a Bronco. The defense comes back again to force another Spartan field goal.
    The Spartan defense steps up this time forcing a punt, and that leads to, you guessed it, another field goal.
    The Spartan defense steps up again forcing a punt, and that leads to, you guessed it, yet ANOTHER field goal.
    The Spartan defense fails to stop them again however, and Boise gets a field goal right before half.
    The Spartan's next attempt with the ball ends in a bad turnover inside the red zone. But Boise can't do anything with it and are forced to punt.
    San Diego State punts it right back. But the Boise punt returner runs it in for a touchdown! The game is now surprisingly close at 19-13 despite all the field goals the Spartans have.
    They then trade touchdowns to make it 27-20. And then with 3 minutes left in the 4th, the Spartans score their last touchdown to put the game away.
    The Spartans finish undefeated! Good for them.
    
    
    The MACtion inside their conference championship is so good that writing about it here would make all the other games look bad by comparison, so for the sake of the rest of football, I will not go into it. Just know Woot liked this one the most.
    
    
    The next one is the Pac-12 championship between Oregon and USC. This one has an extra helping of bullshit because Oregon was not actually supposed to be the one playing here. the Washington Huskies were supposed to be in Oregon's place but thanks to the FUCKING virus they had to cancel.
    The game initially starts off horribly for USC, who is undefeated and ranked #13 (but can't play in the championship because LOL Pac-12 Sucks), because the Oregon Ducks jump to a 14-0 lead.
    But USC does not just fade away, with QB Kedon Slovis (A/N: cool name) doing just enough to keep pace. And after an Oregon interception, things are looking real good for USC, only down 7.
    But then, on 3rd and 2, the most soul-crushing false start of all time happens, which kills the drive and forces a field goal.
    Which they don't get. Goddammit USC!
    Oregon comes out of the second half hot with a another touchdown, and USC can only respond with a field goal, despite the fact that they drove DOWN TO THE FUCKING 4 YARD LINE! GODDAMMIT USC!
    But the coach does something insane! USC gets an onside kick! Maybe USC can make up for their red zone flubs? Nope. They have to punt, and potential momentum is wasted.
    After USC forces a field goal from Oregon, they score a TD to make it 31-24. With half of the 4th quarter left to go, USC has all the time in the world to mount a comeback.
    But they can't. USC does nothing of note with the drives they get and USC loses 31-24. Goddammit USC! You didn't deserve the playoffs anyway. Fucking underachievers.
    
    
    The next game is the Conference USA championship between the Marshall Thundering Herd and the UAB Blazers. Even though UAB's logo is a dragon.
    The game starts off incredibly bad, with 5 straight punts. Then the Blazers get on a long drive, which initially looks like it will be a touchdown, but offensive pass interference forces a field goal.
    The Thundering Herd are apparently stuck in quicksand as UAB gets a touchdown on their next drive, but they miss the extra point so it is only 9-0.
    The Blazers then proceed to get trapped in the same quicksand that Marshall is stuck in and the half eventually mercifully ends.
    In the third, the two teams trade punts, and then UAB fumbles at midfield. Marshall manages to convert this into a touchdown to make it 9-7.
    UAB responds with another long field goal drive. Marshall turns it over (despite being in field goal range) and UAB chews more clock on another field goal.
    Marshall then belts out a 70 yard BOMB from QB Grant Wells (who had an 8 out of 23 completion ratio) to make the game closer, but UAB responds with a TD of their own to make it a 9 point game, sealing the 22-13 win.
    A pretty decent game all things considered. Too bad Marshall started sucking toward the end of the season.
    
    
    The next game is the Big 12 championship between Oklahoma and Iowa State. In other years, this would be of playoff importance, but both teams have 2 losses so no playoffs for you.
    Oklahoma starts off strong with a Touchdown, and the Iowa State Cyclones (A/N: most underrated team name) can't respond. Both teams then trade missed field goals, and then Oklahoma scores another touchdown to make it 14-0.
    After Iowa State punts again, Oklahoma starts another drive. They can't do anything, and have to punt. But this punt is a REALLY good one, forcing Iowa State to start at their own 2. The Sooner defense then steps up big, forcing a punt deep in their own territory, giving Oklahoma the ball at the Iowa State 40.
    But unfortunately, just like the Sooners in the playoffs, they underachieve and can only get a field goal. Iowa State on the other hand drives down the field and is about to score, but gets intercepted and loses the drive.
    The Cyclone defense then does JUST enough to force a punt, and the offense takes it down the field for a touchdown to put Iowa State on the board. But Oklahoma responds with a touchdown to make it 24-7.
    	This looks bad for the Cyclones, but not an impossible climb. The Iowa State defense starts playing really well in the 3rd, but the offense doesn't take advantage.
    Throughout most of the 3rd quarter, the Iowa State offense shits the bed, throwing in another interception for good measure. The offense comes back near the end of the 3rd and gets a touchdown to bring the score to 24-14 going into the 4th.
    After some punts to start off, the Cyclones score another touchdown to make it a 3-point game. Oklahoma drives down the field looking to put the game away, but the Iowa State defense comes up clutch and forces a field goal, making the score 27-21.
    Iowa State has one more chance, and they drive down the field pretty quickly. They decide to go for the end zone, despite having one minute left, and this turns out to be a horrible move. Oklahoma intercepts the ball and kneels away the game.
    Good thing this has no playoff implications, as this would have been the 5th trip for Oklahoma had they not already lost twice.
    
    
    The next game on is the long-awaited AAC championship featuring the upstart #6 ranked Cincinnati Bearcats. Oh, and Tulsa Hurricanes. They also showed up.
    The Tulsa defense strikes first, forcing a quick punt, but then the Tulsa QB screws up and throws an interception.
    The Cincinnati QB, on the other hand, does NOT screw up and puts together a quick drive for a TD.
    On their next drive, the Bearcats drive down the field to the 3, but the defense steps up to force a field goal, keeping it at only 10-0.
    The Tulsa offense manages to muster up a field goal, and then they get a MASSIVE break when Cinci fumbles and the ball is recovered by Jaxon Player (A/N: that's a name) inside the 30.
    Tulsa converts this into a quick touchdown to tie the game at 10. The game becomes boring for a while until Cinci scores another TD to take the lead.
    The Tulsa offense is screwed over by a Personal Foul penalty, making it 2nd and 22. Unsurprisingly, they have to punt.
    This would be a problem if not for the fact that Cincinnati fumbled on the very next play. That would have been a problem if not for the fact the the Tulsa FG kicker sucks and squandered the gift by missing the field goal.
    After some punting to start the third quarter off, both teams rattle off touchdowns to make the score 24-17 in favor of Cincinnati.
    On Tulsa's next drive, they get past midfield and almost into field goal range before they take a sack, and then immediately follow that up with an interception.
    Cincinnati drives down the field and gets inside the Tulsa 10 yard line, but instead of setting up for an easy field goal, they choose to go for it and fail. The Cincinnati defense bails them out and forces another good punt, this time with a good return putting them back in field goal range right out of the gate.
    And it gets blocked. ...*sigh*
    Tulsa rides the momentum from the blocked kick and scores a TD to tie the game at 24. However, there are still more than 3 minutes left, more than enough time for a final drive.
    And Cinci makes the most of it, driving down the field and getting inside the red zone with just enough time left to kick the game-winning field goal. Cincinnati wins 27-24. Fuck the playoff committee.
    
    
    The SEC championship between Alabama and Florida is a show of pure offensive excellence. It was so good there was only one punt in the entire first half.
    An exchange of touchdowns start off the game, followed by a very exhilarating sequence on the next Bama possession where they drive down the field near Florida's red zone, and then Mac Jones throws an interception.
    EXCEPT IT'S NOT A TURNOVER, because Florida fumbled the ball and Alabama recovered it again. The glitch in the Saban program was resolved on the next play with a touchdown.
    The defense shows up for once and forces a field goal from Florida, and Saban.exe just keeps on scoring touchdowns.
    There is really not much to say here, Alabama basically makes no mistakes, and while Florida also plays well, they are not perfect like Saban, and they go into the half down 35-17.
    The second half starts off differently, as Florida gets a touchdown on the first drive. Then Alabama turns the ball over, but this is not a glitch; Saban intentionally overrode the program and went for it, but he failed.
    Saban rolls down the field again, but the override seems to have fucked something up in the program, as ‘Bama **punts the ball?!** What the fuck?
    And Florida scores on their next posession to make it a 35-31 game at the end of the 3rd? Man this game is good!
    And then Alabama has to ruin the diversity with another touchdown.
    And Florida fumbles on the first play of the drive, giving the ball to Saban.exe at the 10-yard-line. Well, this game is over.
    Or is it? The defense actually decides to exist and holds Bama to just a field goal.
    Florida responds with it's own touchdown to make the game 45-38.
    But Saban.exe continues to work its magic and scores one more TD.
    But Florida is not quite done either, scoring another TD and getting the two-point conversion to make it a 6 point game. Get a stop and...
    They get their stop. Florida has the ball, but with only 10 seconds left and no timeouts. The drive instantly ends with a sack giving Alabama a win and guaranteeing their spot in the playoff. Typical Alabama.
    
    
    The second most important contest is between Ohio State, currently barely holding on to a spot at #3, and the Northwestern Wildcats, the winner of the unofficial "Get a date with Ohio State" sweepstakes, the first time in a while this had to be run after Michigan couldn't volunteer as the ~~punching bag~~ dance partner.
    This incarnation of Ohio State is not as bad as usual though, with no true godly receiver or QB. If Northwestern plays their cards right this could be interesting.
    Ohio State starts the game off with a massive clock-chewing drive that almost resulted in a touchdown, but the defense stepped up to force a field goal.
    Northwestern responds with a touchdown thanks to a massive run by QB Peyton Ramsey covering almost half the field in one play.
    The Wildcat defense steps up and forces two consecutive punts out of the Buckeyes, and the offense helps them out by belting out a long drive. Even though it only ended in a field goal, it is still a big deal as Northwestern takes a 10-3 lead over the undefeated Buckeyes.
    Ohio State tries their best to catch up, but can barely muster a field goal as the Northwestern defense continues to hold for now. The Buckeyes' next drive, however...
    Ohio State drives down the field with precision, with two runs and a timely pass interference penalty setting them up well. QB Justin Fields makes some passes and puts them closer and closer...
    The winds of luck were not on their side that drive, as an interception in the end zone ends the half, and sets up Northwestern with a 10-6 lead. Even ESPN is a little scared now.
    But Ohio State has one thing that no other team has; a cheat code by the name of Trey Sermon. But before he can take over the rest of the game, Northwestern gets a drive.
    But Northwestern can not capitalize. Not for lack of trying, they get into Ohio State's red zone, but the winds of luck turn the other way and Northwestern throws an interception in the end zone.
    Lady Luck seems to be indecisive today, as Ohio State throws an interception on their next drive, but Northwestern can't do anything and has to punt.
    And then offense in general just seems to break. Both teams proceed to miss a field goal, even a 65 run by Mr. Cheat Code himself can't help Ohio State, and two straight defensive penalties can't get Northwestern over the scoring hump either.
    Ohio State fixes their offensive woes by scoring a touchdown, and Northwestern just.... there's no good way to put it. They just shrivel up and die.
    The Buckeyes pull away, adding another touchdown by Sermon on their way to a 22-10 victory, and another guaranteed playoff spot. That leaves two left, but only one can be won with the final game...
    
    
    This last game, a rematch between Clemson and Notre Dame, is the most important one. Both teams are in the playoff as of now, with Notre Dame at #2 and Clemson at #4. If Notre Dame wins, Clemson drops out and someone gets a chance to jump in, if Clemson wins, the same thing will happen to Notre Dame. Probably.
    Notre Dame seems to take control early, getting a field goal on their first drive and forcing an interception, but a horrible offensive stall inside the red zone makes everything come crashing down, as Notre Dame misses the field goal.
    The small 3-0 that Notre Dame had melts away like butter as Clemson scores on four straight possessions to take a commanding 24-3 lead.
    And that is pretty much it. Even though the Notre Dame defense slowed Clemson down in the second half, the offense never recovered and Clemson cruises to a 34-10 blowout victory.
    Shows just how good Trevor Lawrence is eh? He will be so good on the ~~Jets~~ Jaguars.
    
    Now the playoff committee has some thinking to do... Where to put Ohio State? What happens to Notre Dame? Who fills the spot left by Notre Dame's failure? What can the committee laugh at now with Arizona not being able to show its ineptitude this week?
    Find out more soon...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This chapter is mostly without you and Woot because 1: It didn't feel right to put them in too much and 2: I wanted to write a week without them. Hopefully it doesn't fuck things up too much.  
> A/N 2: In the Boise play by play it shows that they punted on 3rd down. But it gets worse, because they got sacked, and somehow also got an intentional grounding penalty for 0 yards. What the fuck?!  
> A/N 3: I probably fucked up the ranks thanks to the ESPN play-by-play, because they are the rankings after the week instead of during the week, but CBA to correct them.


	24. Football Dive 3/3:  Shoo-in and a Shoe-off

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With the playoff just one chomp away, the only thing left separating Florida from the playoffs is a ghostly shell of a championship team. The odds are long, but these predators will not go down quietly...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted the title to be "Shoe-canery at the Gator Moat" but the definition (and pronunciation) of chicanery doesn't quite work with this. I know, it's hard to beat that title but it had to be done.
    
    
    Florida coach Dan Mullen is happier than a clam. Even after the upset at the hands of Texas A&M earlier in the season, the team has bounced back better than ever. With a potential Heisman winner Kyle Trask under center, the Gators are looking to run the table and finally defeat the Alabama menace. These LSU Tigers are the only thing left in their path. The time is now to go in and put an exclamation point on this successful season…
    
    LSU on the other hand is not looking too good right now. After being kings of the world last year thanks to a perfect 15-0 campaign led by Joe Burrow, things could only go down. And oh boy did they. Every player worth a damn took that success and catapulted themselves into the NFL. They have done really good for themselves too, with Burrow leading the Bengals to… somewhere and receiver Justin Jefferson and running back Clyde Edwards-Helaire both having great careers of their own. But this does nothing for the LSU of now. With most of the pieces gone, LSU sunk like a rock in the face of the stiff SEC competition. Now with a losing record, this Florida game is their last chance to prove they still have some fight left in them…
    
    The two teams take the field with the most confidence they can muster. Florida gets the ball first and Trask almost puts up a touchdown on the second play as the receiver ran past his coverage. But, thanks to a slight underthrow it is “only” a 44 yard gain. A 3rd-and-1 forces Florida to run, but this is no matter as they get another first down. The drive continues, now inside the 10 with 1st and goal. Here Florida switches to runs, but this doesn’t work as the offense stalls, now facing 4th and goal. The Tiger defense comes up clutch, even after a offside penalty, not only stopping a TD, but also taking advantage of Gator greed and keeping them off the board entirely.
    	
    LSU now has a chance to carry this momentum to a nice early lead, but there is no higher climb than starting at your own 1. This proves too much for LSU and they have to punt. Florida turns this short field into a touchdown, but not without a little help from the football gods. A LSU player gets ejected for targeting. With such a high-stakes game, however, this will surely be the only act of defensive stupidity for the night.
    	
    The Tigers have to answer now to have any chance, and QB Max Johnson chooses to do it himself, putting up two 1st down runs on the way to a touchdown, tying the game at 7. It’s now time for the LSU defense to shine, and they deliver as promised, forcing a quick punt. But with LSU getting the ball back, the Gators’ defense could come roaring on in, stealing all the momentum before the end of the quarter. Luckily for the Tigers, the Gators seem to have their mouth taped shut for now, as LSU does just enough to make things hard for Trask going into the second quarter.
    
    Trask pays no mind to the start of the second quarter and just continues doing what he does best; getting some yards. He throws two easy passes to start, and then RB Malik Davis runs for 39 yards to get into LSU territory. But then things go south. He throws a great pass, but the defensive guy for LSU puts on the jets and intercepts the ball. He outruns everyone on his was to the end zone, putting LSU up 14-7.
    	
    Luckily Florida gets another crack at it. This time they don’t try to force passes, with the first big play being an amazing 26-yard run where RB Kadarius Toney just runs over everyone like a T-Rex running over some plants. And this of course is followed by a 50 yard bomb to put them in the red zone. The gods of football decided that this was too boring of a game, and put a nice little spike of craziness in it. Trask misses his receiver on the sideline, but an LSU player jumps and bats the ball back in bounds to secure an “interception” that was probably out-of-bounds. But it stands anyway. The gods didn’t do anything to help LSU afterwards and they punt immediately. Again.
    	
    Trask tries to do it all himself this drive, throwing a pass on every play. Thanks to the short field from the punt, he gets down inside the red zone quickly, and it soon turns into 1st and goal. But his luck runs out on him at the worst possible time, and Florida is forced to settle for a field goal, still being down 14-10.
       LSU gets the ball again, and the Tiger offense is still broken. They punt. Maybe Trask can get in the end zone this time? He can! This time Florida’s offense works as it should, going down the field and converting 2 3rd downs along the way to give Florida their first lead of the game. The receivers are the stars of the show this drive, making the Tiger defense look like helpless little kittens while making catch after catch.
    	
    The LSU offense needs to wake up. Right now. But if any team can do it, it’s them. Even though they have a losing record, they played close in almost every game and put up big numbers. The drive begins and the tiger seems to be awakening from its slumber! QB Max Johnson drives them down the field and puts them in Florida territory. He tops it all of with a 34 yard wide open TD pass to take away all Gator momentum and give LSU the lead back. With less than a minute left in the quarter, not much can happen, right?
    	
    **WRONG!** The LSU defense comes up big, forcing Trask to scramble far, far back, and then forcing a fumble, putting LSU in easy field goal range. The LSU coach does not want to take any chances. He knows how important having the lead going into halftime can be and doesn’t want to potentially fuck that up. He chooses to kick the field goal, sending the Tigers into halftime with a 24-17 lead.
    
    The fumble works out beautifully for LSU, as they have the ball to start the second half. A touchdown here would be devastating to the Gators. Thankfully for LSU, the offense has woken up and is now on the prowl, driving down the field with excellence. Even the Gators seem to be affected, as they give up a wide open pass to put the ball in field goal range. The offense chews up tons of clock as they inch closer and closer to the end zone… on 3rd and goal, they seem to be just one yard away from greatness, but a holding penalty halts everything and forces a field goal. Whatever. Still a 10 point lead!
    	
    But just as the Tigers seem to be getting ahead, the mouth of the Gator snaps shut on them. Florida gets to the LSU red zone in two plays, shattering the momentum that the defense was just getting. The touchdown comes two plays later, making it a three point game. LSU immediately punts yet again, and the Gators respond with another quick strike, this time in only 5 plays, to get into the end zone once again and take a 31-27 lead. The game is flipped on its head just like that.
    	
    The gods decided to be merciful to LSU today after seeing how many times their defense missed a tackle, so they cooled off the Gator steam engine (using Gatorade of course, their only weakness). But LSU still gets a chance to pour some ice onto it first. But they can’t, despite Max trying his hardest to get the first down on a 3rd and 9. This seems to not matter though as the gods really did a number on the Florida offense. They punt after getting just one measly yard. LSU gets the ball right back and begins their drive. However, the third quarter is already almost over, and comes to a quick end before the Tigers get very far.
    
    A fog has come over the field. Is this the intervention the gods have sent? Or is this just some weather phenomena? Who knows? 
    
    The Tigers still have the ball when the 4th quarter begins, and they make the most of it. The punt addiction from earlier almost rears its head just a few seconds in, but a pass interference penalty saves them. LSU still has some fight left in them, with Max completing a 40 yard bomb to Kayshon Boutte to put LSU inside the 10. They score three plays later and take the lead back, now at 34-31.
    	
    After this, however, everything seems to cool down. Maybe it’s the fog. That aside, Florida punts. LSU gets the ball and seems to move like nothing is different, going into Florida territory easily thanks to a defender falling down, but the drive stalls out at the Florida 39, right on the edge of field goal range. Their kicker, Cade York, is pretty good, but the fog… They don’t choose the field goal and punt instead. The Tigers are very consistent with their tactics, and would do the same thing any time they are in this situation. The punt is excellent, being downed at the 1. It gets even better when Trask throws three straight incompletions and has to punt, giving LSU the ball with really good field position. But LSU punts again. A exclamation point play is not coming easy today...
    	
    We now enter the final phase of this game. With more than half the quarter gone, chances are becoming fewer and fewer. The Gators seem to know this and on their next drive, three big plays back-to-back-to-back put LSU on their back paw. 
    Just nine yards away from recapturing the lead, Trask takes the snap on first down, but the play isn’t there and he has to throw it away. He chucks the ball near a receiver in the end zone, and it goes way over his head. Apparently that was intentional grounding. Somehow. This puts the ball at the 16, making things much more complicated. Too complicated even for the Gators as they are forced to settle for a field goal to tie it up at 34. The Tigers now get the chance to put the Gators out of their misery. But the Florida defense is not gonna let that happen. Two quick stops lead to 3rd and 10. Max completes the pass but the defender is there!  The crowd is going bananas! LSU is gonna punt! Right?
    
    **RIGHT?!?!**
    	
    
    This game is being played at Florida’s home field, Ben Hill Griffin Stadium. Commonly known as “The Swamp”, this game lives up to the name, with the fog and the cheering home crowd. But in this scene, with the two teams out on the field, the happy crowd of Gator fans, and the fog covering it all up like a blanket, one object, about 13 inches long, is left forgotten.
    
    _A shoe._
    
    This shoe, purple and white in color, perfectly completes the scene. The source of this shoe would be the stuff of urban legends if not for the high-resolution cameras on the field. Even its movement is graceful, flying into the air like a baby bird taking its first flight, or like Frank Beamer’s hands when Wake Forest missed the field goal. But as it sails through the air, it is joined by a hint of yellow. Pure yellow.
    
    **A flag.**
    
    **Oh shit…**
    
    You see, throwing a shoe is a penalty, regardless of how artistically pleasing it may be. This penalty goes on Marco Wilson, the guy who threw this legendary shoe. He _was_ having a good game. _Was._ But now he goes to the locker room in shame, joined by the coach. I wouldn’t want to be him right now.
    
    This penalty gives LSU a first down, and a few plays later they are right where they were earlier in the quarter, facing a 4th down from the Florida 39. But, seemingly emboldened by the shoe, the LSU coach goes for the field goal. And… he makes it! Despite all the fog and everything! 37-34 lead! Florida still has a chance for redemption however. And with Trask, time limits don’t matter. He completes three sideline passes to set them up for a field goal. It won’t be easy, being 51 yards out, but certainly make-able, if 5 minutes ago is anything to go by.
    But a football is nowhere near as graceful as a shoe, and it goes wide. Florida loses 37-34. The Gators have some anger to release, and there’s a mighty fine lookin’ punching bag in the locker room...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No Marco Wilsons were harmed in the completion of this game. This is the last deep dive game. Only 3 more chapters to go!


	25. WTF is an Aggie?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Today is D-Day, the playoff teams get decided here and now. Who gets in? Who is stuck with a NY6 bowl?
    
    
    **CFP Committee Room**
    **3:00 AM**
    
    Now is the time. This meeting decides the fate of the rest of the Football season. Here and now the committee members will choose who gets to be featured in the glorious playoff, and who gets to be sent home.
    But someone has yet to appear in the conversation. While we wait for the mystEriouS Player to joiN, the committee has all the time in the world to think and overthink about who gets in. There is usually at least one team every year who's candidacy is so obvious that it doesn't even need discussion.
    But the rest of the teams usually have to be looked at with a very careful eye. There are no real requirements to be chosen; you don't need to be undefeated, you don't even need to win your conference! It's all about the eye test.
    This year's crew will have a lot to sort through. But before that, what are they doing now?
    
    "Hand me some fucking pizza!"
    "No you do it."
    "No."
    "Then you ain't getting no pizza!"
    "Please man! I'm lazy as hell with no football failures to watch!"
    "No."
    
    Ah yes. the time-honored tradition of watching bad teams fail. But this week, the pickings are sparse. The usual stalwarts of this group, Arizona and Vanderbilt, both had their games cancelled for virus reasons. And while we do have the ever-embarrassing Tennessee playing, they only lost by three scores against a really good team, so picking on them would be unfair.
    And watching the running bowl between Army and Air Force is no way to spend time. Good thing in season CLI we have the wonders of YouTube to look into the past and keep everyone entertained. The loser this week? Just a 66-3 blowout of Ole Miss courtesy of Saban. Surprising that was another SEC team on the receiving end. And it wasn't even Tennessee!
    
    "This shit is great!"
    "Really? More blowouts?"
    "It's fun to watch teams fail!"
    "I'd rather see close MACtion games personally."
    "I'd rather see low-scoring games."
    "I'd rather see FCS games." Everyone's head snaps to the member who made that comment.
    "Come on, they're not that bad!"
    
    _Several hours of fun and football incompetence later..._
    
    Everyone is here in the Committee Room now, the "Master System" is ready to be looked through, and the final piece of the puzzle is finally about to join.
    *SEC on CBS jingle* The call is answered.
    "Alright let's get this shit done!"
    And the schedules of all 130 FBS teams are put up on the screen. Some teams can be dismissed outright, like UMass who did not win a single game. Other teams fall into the wide field of mediocrity. After all is said and done, there are only around 10 possible candidates left. They are compiled into the final list:
    
    Alabama
    Cincinnati
    Clemson
    Georgia
    Notre Dame
    Ohio State
    Oklahoma
    Texas A&M
    USC
    
    These nine are the ones that the committee will consider. The first name in the list is by far the easiest to look at.
    Alabama's record is literal perfection. Their 11 games are some of the finest specimens football has to offer this year. Not only do they have blowout wins against worse competition, they don't even have any cupcake (FCS) games padding their stats.
    They also aren't playing any teams from out of conference, so these blowouts aren't even G5 teams. These blowouts are all in-SEC. The biggest one is a 63-3 demolishment of Kentucky, but that can be excused because Kentucky is a basketball school anyway.
    The best example by far is a 28 point beatdown of Texas A&M, a team that you may notice is also on this list. They also beat Georgia (look where they are?) by a convincing margin.
    In the SEC Championship, they beat an excellent Florida team lead by Kyle Trask, putting up 55 points. They also have a 52-3 drubbing of a Felipe Franks led Arkansas team just for good measure.
    Really it is almost impossible to find any blemishes. Saban's team is just that goddamn good.
    "Alabama is put at #1 right?"
    "Yep!"
    Easiest decision in the world. 
    
    The next team up is Cincinnati. They also have an undefeated-
    "They're a G5 school. No."
    Well that about sums that up.
    
    The next team is Clemson. Now we get into some interesting territory as they have one loss. 
    However, this one loss comes against Notre Dame, another team on this list. And they didn't have #1 pick Trevor Lawrence for that game. And they only lost in 2OT. And they blew them out in the rematch one month later.
    That loss looks mighty **flukey** now. But hold on to your seats because now we get to talk about their schedule and holy fuck it's about to get depressing.
    Clemson plays in the ACC, which officially stands for Atlantic Coast Conference but might as well stand for Always Clemson's Chattel as Clemson has smacked around the conference for the past 5 years.
    	This pattern continues this year as Clemson has rolled over just about everyone. The only exception is a close win against Boston College, but they ALSO did not have Trevor for that game. The rest of the games are pure blowouts, including a 73-7 bitch-slapping of Georgia Tech.
    With games that are even better than Alabama's in some cases, Clemson's case looks as strong as anyone's despite the loss. So they are in. But where to rank them?
    This is the real challenge of the committee. With Alabama it was easy, they were #1 almost the whole season and did nothing to put any doubt, but Clemson? They were ranked #4 after the Notre Dame loss...
    We'll come back to this one...
    
    The next team is Georgia. Even though they have two losses, both of them were to really good SEC teams of Alabama and Florida respectively. 
    Even though two L's usually spells doom, the stacked nature of the SEC means they may just have a chance...
    Until you look at the schedule. It is literally just a discount version of Alabama's. Teams that Alabama blew out are only close wins for Georgia, including a close 31-24 game against Mississippi State, compared to 'Bama's 41-0 blowout.
    And we also have the matter of the 14-3 win against Kentucky. That is seven less touchdowns than Alabama had. And in a league with more and more offense, this just will not do...
    Georgia's not going in. They made a good try though, if only they had won all their games...
    
    The next one up is Notre Dame. Oh BOY the can of worms we get to open here. They have one loss, and they are the most recent team to lose as well. But it was against a 100% healthy Clemson team...
    And they did beat them earlier in the year, but we talked about the asterisks surrounding that one. But they did win, and a W is a W...
    What about against the Clemson Chattel? Well it's not quite as good as Clemson, but they did win against them pretty convincingly... 
    Except for one game. Only beating Louisville 12-7 is a really ugly win. But they do put up 30-ish points a game on average, so there shouldn't be any offensive woes.. right?
    Jesus Christ this is complicated...
    "Jesus Christ this is complicated..."
    "Yeah, but they just lost, we can't put them in, right?"
    "I guess, but with only one loss? It's tough to justify..."
    "And think of all the money you will lose not having them in!" You can probably guess who that was.
    ...*sigh* We'll come back to this one too... God this is going to be hell!
    
    The next team is Ohio State. And now we get to the whole Big 10 kerfuffle... *sigh*
    Let's just attack the elephant head on. Ohio State only played 6 games. That's a pretty big diversity problem. Since the virus caused just about everyone to schedule in-conference only, you can't even compare with the same opponents most of the time.
    Although the Big 10 is not as stacked as the SEC, they are still nothing to sneeze at. Even Rutgers played pretty good this year! Rutgers!
    Another little problem is that they have no real blowout wins against truly good teams. Yes they are undefeated, but the games against ranked teams were pretty close... namely against Indiana where they only won by 7.
    After some deeper looking, though, all does not look bad. In both of those close wins Ohio State had control for most of the game. And with potential #2 pick Justin Fields leading the team, offense is guaranteed not to be a problem.
    So summarizing it all, even though they are only 6-0, that 6 is deeper than it looks.
    "I guess we can put them in? They were ranked in the top 4 all of the season"
    "You're right. And it adds some diversity in the field, that will be a real problem this year."
    "Sounds alright to me I guess"
    So they're probably gonna be in. But the rankings, god the fucking rankings.... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
    Pushing this one off too... if I'm still alive when we’re done.
    
    The next one is Oklahoma. They have two losses. Thank fucking god. If they had one loss the committee might have just had to roll some dice to determine the rankings.
    The schedule is a mixed bag. Even though they have three blowouts, one was against a cupcake, and another was against Kansas, which is essentially just a cupcake with some fancy feathers on it. No offense, Kansas.
    And the two losses say a lot about them too, one was against a pretty good Iowa State team, but the other was against Kansas State. They lost 5 straight to end the season. They have a losing record.
    Even their wins leave something to be desired, because other than the blowout of Texas Tech, the wins were way too close, most notably taking 4 overtimes to put away Texas.
    Although this is the usual for the Big 12, and the only reason Oklahoma even stood a chance in the first place, it's not happening this year. Oklahoma is out.
    
    The next team is Texas A&M. This team has only one loss, and is the final team in the running from the totally not over-powered SEC. This team might just be the weakest of the three, despite having one less loss than Georgia. Why? Because their wins are the definition of unconvincing. It starts on the very first game by almost losing to fucking Vanderbilt of all teams, and then Alabama kills them. They barely   manage to beat Florida, and then it all goes downhill. Only 2 out of the 7 wins are  by more than 11 points, and some of the passing numbers are dreadful for a SEC team. (105 yards against LSU. That sucks no matter what the score is.) So their case for the playoff is pretty suspect at best… IF they have a chance they would get the #4 spot and have to play ‘Bama again… not looking good for the Aggies here.
    
    The last, and honestly probably least team is USC. This 5-1 team is THE WORST one loss team probably in the history of existence. I have a confession to make: When I said that A&M was the definition of unconvincing, I lied. It’s USC. Not even half their wins are even remotely powerful in any way. First is a close win against Arizona State, and then it is only a 4 point victory against Arizona. **ARIZONA!** THEY LOST ALL OF THEIR GAMES! For crying out loud, it’s ARIZONA! It shouldn’t even be close but here we are. To make things even better their most recent game was a loss to Oregon. Who had 2 losses. Unbelievable. They weren’t even at the top of the trash pile that is the Pac-12! Fuck off with you. You and your conference are trash.
    
    With all 9 teams now scrutinized, the 4 spots currently look like this:
    
    #1 Alabama (100% Confidence)
    #2 Clemson (95% Confidence)
    #3 ? (Ohio State looks to be filling this one but not confirmed yet)
    #4 ??????????????
    
    The committee begins to talk amongst themselves again. With one and two on lock, the biggest question is Jimbo or Kelly? 
    “I think we should put A&M at 3 and OSU at 4. All new matchups and everything.”
    But the committee just can’t seem to support it. Even ESPN, the most important voice in the room, can really get behind it. That leaves only one real option:
    Make Notre Dame and OSU the two teams in, and leave the Aggies out. But how?
    It’s simple when you think about the audience. Nobody wants to see a Notre Dame-Clemson ultimate showdown of ultimate destiny. Not so soon after the last one.
    So OSU gets put at 3, and Notre Dame gets put at 4. Everyone seems to agree!
    The committee gets to avoid the most repetitive matchup of all time, ESPN gets to rake in the sweet sweet cash, Notre Dame gets a chance to prove they truly belong, OSU-Clemson part 2 is gonna be just as good as last time, and to top it off, no two SEC teams this year! Everyone (except fans of football diversity) wins!
    
    	But who gets in the NY6? The committee kinda stopped caring too much at this point after all the thinking, so the first bowl ends up being the Cotton Bowl between Oklahoma and Florida, the next best SEC team according to the conference record.
    	The next bowl is the Peach Bowl, in Atlanta. Someone on the committee still had some brain cells left because they put the cruelty switch up to 11. He chooses Georgia and Cincinnati to play. You know what this means? Not only do they have to face a tough Georgia team, it’s also essentially a home game. After sharing this idea with the rest of the group, it was put in immediately without any more discussion. You can guess why.
    	The next bowl needs an SEC and ACC team thanks to bullshit obligation stuff that is too stupefying to explain. A&M is the only real choice left on the SEC end, and between Miami and North Carolina, they choose the Tarheels because of the earlier contest where Miami got blown out by them earlier in the year.
    	The last bowl needs a Pac-12 team, so guess who gets put in? That’s right! #25 ranked Oregon! They throw them against the best team left, #10 Iowa State. This one’s gonna be a disaster, I just know it. But requirements are requirements.
    
    What about the rest of the rankings you may ask? Nobody gives a fuck! Certainly not Pitaro, he’s too busy fawning over the money he’s gonna make. The committee meeting is over now, and everyone goes home, satisfied with their work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was my favorite chapter because I got to rant. I love ranting. It probably sucks in the fic but I’m too checked out to care.  
> I wanna say one thing; looking through the teams makes me think the CFP made the right decision this year. That shit is hard in the best of seasons, nevermind one as insane as this. Hats off to them. ESPN can suck a fat one though.


	26. Krakatoa!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The rankings are out! I think you know what’s coming…
    
    
    The most important Tuesday in the whole season is here. Today is the day that rankings are released to the fans and everyone knows how the rest of football will go. Everyone turns their channel to ESPN on this day, you and Woot being no exception. Even the pizza boxes are absent today, for this day is sacred.   
    Woot even wanted to make a contraption to put water in her eyes so she didn’t have to blink, but you denied her on the grounds that you don’t want to deal with water damage. She stares at you from the side, pouting slightly. Oh well. The show starts and the rankings begin! 
    
    The #25 team is… OREGON!  Damn that was underwhelming.
    The #24 team is… Tulsa! You and Woot both smile a bit at this one as Tulsa is a pretty good team.
    The #23 team is… NC State! Whatever.
    The #22 team is… San Jose State! You don’t really care but Woot is pretty mad at this one. She must have really liked that game.
    The #21 team is… Oklahoma State! You can only think of what could have been.
    The #20 team is… Texas! Surprising! Good work Longhorns!
    The #19 team is… Louisiana! Good for them, although you and Woot are suprisingly muted in your reactions. Why? No one knows.
    The #18 team is… Miami! Ok I guess.
    The #17 team is… USC?! Now it is your turn to get mad as you thought USC would plunge into the unranked depths after the loss to Oregon. But you calm down quickly after realizing it’s the Pac-12. Why get mad over them?
    The #16 team is… BYU!
    “Sexy Zach let’s gooooooooo!” You both say. At least you both can agree on something.
    The #15 team is… Iowa? No reaction to this one, as neither of you have any idea how the fuck that happened.
    The #14 team is… Northwestern! Nice.
    The #13 team is… North Carolina. Woot has no reaction but all you can think about is the players playing without hands. You chuckle for a bit.
    The #12 team is… Coastal Carolina! You and Woot both jump for joy! Woot has come around on the Chanticleers and loves them just as much as you do. It feels good for both of you to see them here.
    You party so hard you almost miss the #11 team, Indiana. But you’re too busy to care too much.
    The #10 team is… IOWA STATE?! WHAT?!
    “Didn’t they just get beat!”
    “Yeah what the hell!”  
    
    The #9 team is… Georgia. Yayyyyyyyyyyyyy
    The #8 team is… Cincinnati! You both wanna be happy for them, but you especially can’t help but feel miffed at this. You wish you did buy pizza for the pick-me-up after this one.
    The #7 team is… Florida! After the shoe incident, you can do nothing but laugh. Woot joins you even though she has no idea why you are laughing. Guess you know what to do while waiting for that pizza…
    The #6 team is… Oklahoma! Both of you expected this, so no real reaction.
    The #5 team is… Texas A&M!
    “ **DUMBO FISHER LOSES!!!!! YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!** ”  
    
    Now ESPN reverses the order for maximum suspense.
    The #1 team is Alabama. Woo hoo, big surprise.
    The #2 team is… Clemson! You were hoping for an upset move, but oh well…
    The #3 team is… Ohio State!
    You realize what this means. That means Notre Dame is #4, and the committee keeps being undiverse as all hell. Woot realizes this too. And with no pizza or beer to sate you two, the anger takes over your body and becomes a raging inferno!
    
    “GOD FUCKING DAMMIT ESPN WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE THIS WAY! LET’S GET SOME DIVERSITY!”
    “I WANNA SEE THOSE TEAL UNIFORMS AGAIN! CMON ESPN LET THEM FIGHT BAMA! WE WANT BAMA!”
    “WE WANT BAMA!”  
    
    “WE WANT CLEMSON!”  
    
    And the rest of the day goes by as nothing but a shouting match… 
    
    ------
    
    “I WASN’T EVEN RANKED?!?!?!?!?!”
    “Oh god, did they seriously break him?”
    “BUT THE MACTION WAS SO GOOOOOOD! NOOOO!”  
    
    “322, 323, 324, 325, 326, 327, 328…”
    The MAC commissioner is broken. With not a single team ranked in the top 25, this is possibly the worst day in years for him. He doesn’t expect to make the playoff, or even a NY6 bowl, but to not even be ranked at all? That would break almost anyone. 
    “Hey Gill, order some chili for MAC so I don’t fucking explode over here!”  
    
    “Please? Anyone?”
    But no one cares to help. They are taking to counting the flakes of cheese to keep their mind sane. With the addition of MAC’s bawling, even Aresco cracks.
    “WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY ESPN!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!”  
    
    “39, 40, 41, 42, 43. 44, 45, 46, 47…”
    “This is truly the most dysfunctional family. But I wouldn’t have it any other way.”
    
    ------
    
    ESPN’s phone lines are hammered. But Pitaro doesn’t give a fuck. He’s making tons and tons of money. All the cash registers are jumping out of their sockets as they keep on printing money. The employees are frantically trying not to drown in the fields of greenbacks. One employee was clever and showed up to work in a life preserver. But regardless, Pitaro is in his recliner, safe from the tide. He makes a call to Emmert, who he hasn’t talked to once since before the season even started.
    *ring ring* *ring ring*
    “Hello?”
    “Congrats on not screwing this season up. It was looking shaky there but you pulled through.”  
    
    “Thank you. Where’s my bonus?”
    “Don’t worry I got it stop being so hasty.”
    The bonus was $7.2 million dollars. This is but a drop in the bucket for the likes of ESPN, but Pitaro is still grumpy about having to give it up.
    “Good. See you next year.”
    “Sure sure”
    Emmert hangs up the phone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last chapter is a short epilogue telling the rest of the season and wrapping up everything. I did not expect to break 30k words when I started this. I can barely write a 1.5k essay without wanting to scream and procrastinate forever :)


	27. The End of the End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The bowl games bring this season to a close. Can anyone pull off a last-minute surprise?
    
    
    The bowl games in college football are unlike anything else in any level of football. Instead of being crammed into one week, or just being a massive tournament, these bowl games are spread out over almost a full month of almost non-stop action. But the virus that has plagued the entire season is still hanging around, and bowls are being cancelled left and right. It’s a shame too, as some of these bowls had cool names, like the “Tony the Tiger Sun Bowl” and the interesting “Las Vegas Bowl” and “Bahamas Bowl”, played in their respective locations.
    	
    One more thing about these bowls is that they offer teams that make it a chance to play teams they would never normally play because of scheduling bullshit. The first bowl is a good example featuring Appalachian State and North Texas. Even though the Mountaineers crushed them 56-28, it was still a fun experience. The second bowl featured Zach Wilson’s Cougars going against the former “national champions” of UCF. UCF lost 49-26. The next game, the “Famous Idaho Potato Bowl” features two teams that are not from Idaho. This one was a close contest between Tulane and Nevada, with Nevada taking the W 38-27.
    
    The first interesting game of the lot happened on December 23rd, with Georgia Southern obliterating Louisiana Tech 38-3,. What makes a blowout interesting? The winning QB had only 126 passing yards. Note that Army was not either of the two teams in the game. Why is this? Because of injuries. It didn’t matter though, as La Tech sucked ass. The next game just an average contest between Memphis and FAU, with Memphis winning 25-10. On Christmas Eve, the Hawaii Rainbow Warriors (A/N: cool name) beat Houston 28-14. 
    
    The next game is a fusion of two of the best things on this Earth; Christmas and MACtion. This game was between the best MAC team, Buffalo, and a good Marshall team. It was boring as hell though, with Buffalo winning 17-10. Disappointing. The next day had three bowl games: The first being a game between Western Kentucky and Georgia State. This one is nothing to write home about, with Georgia State winning 39-21. The next one is between Louisiana (remember them? They’re ranked #19 now) and a placeholder of a UTSA team. Louisiana wins 31-24. The final game is the most interesting one so far; a game between Coastal Carolina and Liberty.
    	
    
    The game that was supposed to happen earlier in the season is happening now, and it is just as fun as was advertised. With both teams ranked, this contest was a back and forth affair, with Liberty going up 14-0 at the end of the 1st, but Coastal scoring 10 straight in the 2nd to make the game close, eventually going into the 2nd half down 17-13. Then the game goes into overdrive, with 2 interceptions immediately followed by 4 straight touchdowns to make the game 31-26. Liberty adds on a field goal to take a 8 point lead, but Coastal gets the touchdown and the two point conversion to tie it at 34. Now here is where it gets weird. Liberty drives down the field and makes it inside the 5. But instead of running it in to take the lead, they wanna chew up all the clock and win it with a field goal. But the Chanticleers realize this and try to force them to score a TD. What do you think they did next?
    
    **A. Kneel down twice to kick an easy field goal**
    **B. Say fuck it and get the TD**
    **C. Deliberately fumble the football at the one-yard line and give the ball to the Chanticleers and give up the chance to win it in regulation?? The fuck is this option doing here?!**
    
    I think you know what the answer is. They fumble and the Chanticleers go to OT. Luckily for Liberty, they make a field goal and the Chanticleers don’t, giving them the most undeserved 37-34 win ever. 
    
    
    Luckily there is a three-day break for everyone to get over whatever the hell that was, but on the 28th things start up again. There are two games today, one between Oklahoma State and Miami, which Oklahoma State just barely won, and a blowout where Texas destroys Colorado 55-23. The 29th is just as good as the 28th, with Oklahoma blowing out Florida 55-20, and Wake Forest losing to Wisconsin in a close 42-28 game.
    
    On New Year’s Eve, MACtion delivers again as Ball State beats the San Jose State Spartans 34-13. A ranked Tulsa team just barely loses to Mississippi State 28-26, and West Virginia beats Army 24-21. How many times did Army pass this game? 6. That’s pretty good by Army’s standards. January 1st has 3 good games and two unimportant ones. We’ll get the unimportant ones out of the way; Northwestern beats Auburn 35-19, and the other game features Cincinnati.
    …
    …
    I wouldn’t do that to you. Cincinnati fights really hard against Georgia, but they are just not good enough, and Georgia wins 24-21. A really good showing for the G5, better than the usual years. Although it will never be as good as UCF’s 13-0 campaign in 2017, the AAC should be proud.
    
    January 2nd is the last day of the bowl games and some of the best were saved for last this year. Jimbo’s A&M squad beat North Carolina 41-27 in a pretty good game. Oregon, the placeholder of the NY6, gets trounced by Iowa State. Although the Ducks put up a decent effort in the first half, in the second half the Oregon offense collapsed en route to a 34-17 loss. Poor Pac-12. No one cares. The next game is a close contest between Ole Miss and Indiana. Even though KJ Costello did not play this game to prepare for the draft, Ole Miss still won, taking out Indiana 26-20. The final game of the bowl season is the TaxSlayer Gator Bowl between North Carolina State and Kentucky. Even though Kentucky has a losing record, they still won 23-21 despite the best efforts of NC State to mount a comeback.
    
    ITS PLAYOFF TIME!!!! The CFP semifinals were the main focus of New Year’s Day, and the first game on is Alabama vs. Notre Dame. This game was trash. Alabama had control of this game from the beginning, and while Ian Book played a pretty good game, Alabama was just better than them in every conceivable way. The game ends 34-10 and Alabama gets in the National Championship. Again.
    Ohio State vs. Clemson on the other hand is a much better game. Clemson started of great taking the first lead of the game, but Ohio State turned on 100% accuracy mode and scored 5 straight touchdowns to go up 35-14. Clemson played really, really good, but even Trevor Lawrence can’t give Clemson the win when Ohio State doesn’t make a mistake. The Buckeyes win 49-28 and go to the championship.   
    The championship game is an absolute romp! For ‘Bama that is. They cruise past Ohio State to win their seventh title. Saban is too good for this Earth.


	28. Extra! Extra!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The bowl game stuff went longer than planned so I decided to split this off.
    
    
    **January 1 st, 2021**
    **10:30 AM**
    **Skyline Chili**
    
     After a fun few weeks ““hanging out”” at the Skyline Chili, the end of the fun finally draws near. After the Cincinnati game, all the commissioners have agreed to leave and go back to their respective areas. Thanks to having no ESPN money, they have to borrow a local college’s campus to live on until the season starts again. The AAC commish is the first one to wake up for today, but something is not right…
    “HOLY SHIT MAC IS GONE!”  
    
    It takes a while for everyone to wake up after the alcohol-fueled celebration of Ball State’s win yesterday.
    “HURRY WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP!!”  
    
    “Are you sure he’s not passed out on the floor?”
    Aresco checks under the table.
    “Nope!”
    “Where the fuck is he then?”
    “I DON’T KNOW!!” Just then he notices a small envelope near where MAC was sitting last night. He opens it up and a letter is inside. He begins to read;
    
    _Dear Everyone,_
    
    _I’m going out to Athens to take some drugs and party. I’ll try to be back in time for the Cincinnati game, but I make no guarantees. Also:_
    _MAC WENT UNDEFEATED IN BOWL GAMES! SUCK ON THAT CONFERENCE USA AND EVERYONE ELSE!!!_  
    
    MACtion WILL LIVE ON!
    
    _-Jon_
    
    “He went off to Athens.”
    “Again?”
    “Yep. Just like 2013.”
    “Well whatever. He’ll come back. Probably.”
    They have not seen or heard from him since, and it is now February. But he’ll come back next year. Even if only for plot reasons.
    
    ------
    
    A meeting between the Power 5 commissioners is called. It is the first one since August. Everyone is in a good mood, even the Big 12 commish. Today they just eat some vanilla ice cream and chat while getting their salaries for another completed season.
    “The Pac-12 sucks.” The SEC commish begins.
    “Tell me about it.”
    “Scott why the hell are you so dejected?”
    “Why do you think? The conference is the worst it has been in years and I **STILL** have to deal with all the virus shit!”  
    
    “Are you sure 2019 wasn’t worse?”
    “Shut it Bowlsby.”
    “At least you’re not the ACC.”
    Swofford doesn’t even attempt to respond. There is no way to defend the performance of ACC teams in the bowl games, it was just horrendous.
    But this was all that was really said this meeting. (A/N: I’m totally not tired of writing this) Typical of suit-wearers like them. Maybe next year will cause more chaos…
    
    ------
    
    “Hey Pitaro, what’s going on over there?”
    “I like money!”
    Thanks Pitaro!
    
    ------
    
    And thus we return to you and Moon Woot, the final stop on this train ride. After over a decade of having fun together watching the games and hanging out in general, you finally realize how much just how fun it is. She means so much to you, and having the constant presence of hilarious remarks about random teams, pizza box fights whenever you don’t have any ice cream left to give her, and a sense of camaraderie that even a night of drinking with the boys’ can’t offer you, you realize it. You have to confess your love. But you don’t use a ring or buy her flowers or take her to a fancy restaurant or anything like that. You have to do this the right way, a way that only Moon Woot will understand. You know just what to do…
    	
    Meet Soop Boom! That’s right, you spend the money and go out of your way to change your name. Inspired by the several-OT games Woot loves so much, you take the initiative and change your name, just for her. You two quickly get married, and even get actual jobs as ESPN analysts! Now instead of having to live off the money generated by a lucky bet on Stanford back in ‘07, both of you combined make hundreds of thousands a year! You can now take vacations to all the great football stadiums, meet your personal heroes like Kellen Moore and Jared Zabransky (or Nathan Peterman and Dan Marino in Woot’s case), and, the best perk of all…
    
    **Beating Stephen A. Smith in a debate!**
    
    That’s a secret fantasy of both of you, wanting to crush him using facts and logic just to see the funny moments that come out of his mouth. And man are they funny. You two leverage this success and become extremely famous. Even your 2.2 children get some of the love. How did you two get a .2 child you may ask? 
    	
    Well, you two were watching a particularly compelling MACtion game and during the 7th overtime...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the end. It’s finally over after 28 chapters. Man I feel fucking relieved to defeat my procrastination and finish up something big like this. I put in some fluff in the last chapter because I realized just how different the two “halves” of this fic is. If you don’t like it just pretend this chapter doesn’t exist. That’s all for me, see you… probably never!


End file.
